There are some bloggers I follow that I’ve come to regard as friends in a sort of superficial, but not really, way. One of them is Lydia at Where the Wild Things Are. She wrote a post about kindness, and it really resonated with me. We are so often our own worst enemy. I think RuPaul says it best, “The bad news is that your inner saboteur never goes away. The good news is that it can be managed.” I have lived with my inner saboteur for almost my entire adult life. I wrote about my weight loss journey the very first year I was blogging. You can read it here. The post is crude (as in not very polished), but the message is still as relevant today as it was then. This post is painful for me to write. I hope it isn’t as painful for you to read.
A short history…
I have never been a thin person. When I was a kid and very active, my neighborhood nickname was “Moose.” I think it’s because I have strong, thick legs. In those days, some may have said I was stocky. But, when I look at photos from then, I don’t see that. I see a fairly normal sized young girl. Then, came fourth grade and getting weighed. I was the second heaviest girl in our class…maybe even person. I don’t remember, but I do remember my beloved (truly, she was my favorite ever) teacher telling me, “You carry your weight well.” I didn’t exactly understand that, but I knew it wasn’t good. I weighed 88 pounds…funny how I remember that after all these years.
A little more..
Fast forward to my dad’s funeral, and I know many of you have read this before…I overheard his youngest sister remarking to another person at the funeral no less about how large my thighs were. Now granted I was wearing a short dress. It was 1974, and that’s what teens were wearing. But, again, I never forgot that comment. And, my legs have been a sore point ever since. Add to that my older sister’s struggles with weight as well as my mom’s constant monitoring of what my sister ate, and you have the recipe (no pun intended) for a serious case of body dysmorphia. When I was being measured for my wedding dress and even weighed for my first job during a physical, both women commented on my small waist and what a peanut I was. Did I hear that? Nope…though I recall it. I was heavy, big boned, stocky, give it any name you want, the message came through loud and clear. I was fat.
Marriage…
After Nigel and I got married, he worked nights, and I worked during the day. I came home and baked because I was bored. Then, I ate because I was bored. In a little less than a year, I had gained about 15 pounds. Again, you can refer back to my earlier post, but the long and the short of it was I tried several different diets over the years with success followed by complete and utter failure. The weight came back on along with a few buddies. I remember, one day at work, one of the women asked if I was expecting. I was not. I had started wearing the big tops to cover my belly. When you’re 5’1″, every pound counts, and it has to go somewhere. With me, it went on my butt and my stomach as well as my thighs. Of course, it also went to my boobs which made Nigel happy!
So many unhappy years…
So, I spent the vast majority of my adult years unhappy with my body and just wanting to be thin. I would pray at night, asking God to make me thin in the morning. I mean, He does grant miracles, right? I yo-yoed during all those years. Finally, when I retired, I lost almost 60 pounds and felt the best I had in decades. I kept that weight off for almost an entire decade, but the weight crept back on slowly. And, when you have body dysmorphia (I’m not technically diagnosed with it, but the signs are all there), you see a fat woman looking back at you in the mirror no matter how thin she is. I often think it was a self-fulfilling prophecy…regaining all that weight was inevitable as I just couldn’t accept the woman looking back at me.
Weight loss clinics…
There are a plethora of weight loss clinics around me. I know several people who have gone to them and have lost so much weight. I always said that was not for me. I wasn’t going to do anything like that. Oh, how words come back to haunt you! Here’s the thing. With the exception of my thyroid (nasty little booger), I am in really good health. My numbers are good…well, they were good. The second to last time I had bloodwork done, my A1C was elevated to being borderline pre-diabetic. I have two siblings who are diabetic. My maternal grandmother (who ate more healthily than anyone I know) developed diabetes in her 80s. I wanted to defy the odds and delay if not completely avoid that diabetes diagnosis. So, when the medical spa where I get my facials began offering this service, I had a long talk with Nigel about it. The man is supportive of anything and everything I do (with the exception of leaving him…hahaha). After lots of thought and prayer, I decided to do it. I made an appointment for a consultation, had bloodwork drawn, and began on semaglutide last summer. As of right now, I have lost 40 pounds. You may have noticed…at least, I hope you have. I feel so much better. Most importantly, my A1C is down as are so many indicators of future problems. I have about 10-15 pounds to go to feel fully myself again. One last thing, I did discuss this with my doctor. He prescribed Ozempic for me. Unfortunately, I am on Medicare which will not cover that drug for weight loss. If I hadn’t already lost some weight and actually been pre-diabetic, it probably would have been covered. The medical/pharmaceutical/government arena is just nuts…keep the weight on and get the medication. Lose a little to be more healthy, and you no longer qualify. Anyway, the point is, my doctor supported my decision to use a compounded version of the drug.
My reasons…
I’m writing this post, not to garner praise for my weight loss. I will tell you it’s not a case of getting a shot, and the pounds fall off. You have to do some work, too. I am writing this post to let all the thicker people out there know you have an ally in me. I know what it’s like to feel like every eye is on you when you walk into the room…and, it isn’t because you’re drop dead gorgeous. I also want those of you who feel that way to know one thing…no one is really doing that. That’s your own brain lying to you. And, if someone is thinking that, rise above it, my friends, because they are not people you need to worry about. I am also writing this because I have felt a measure of guilt…a pretty significant measure of guilt not being forthright with you. I’m not going to tell you I did this just by eating less or exercising more. I did this with pharmaceutical help. The biggest benefit to me has been the elimination of “food noise.” When you struggle with your weight, your brain is constantly asking you for treats. When you feel angry, sad, defeated, jealous, your brain lies to you and says, “A box of cookies will make all that pain go away.” I cannot tell you how freeing it has been to have that voice quieted. Do I still see a beautiful cake and want a piece? Yes, yes, I do. But, I can be happy with a bite or two. I have been on enough elimination diets…you know…cut out the this, the that, and the everything tasty diets. They don’t work for me. I have changed many things with this new way of life, and I do believe it will be a way of life for me. I eat lots and lots of protein. I don’t have room for many carbs which don’t appeal anyway. I eat my greens first, followed by my protein, then a bite or two of carbs. This is my new normal, and it’s one I can live with. Strangely enough, it’s the way I ate when I was a kid before I went through the hell of yoyo dieting.
The outfit…
You’re probably not surprised to see me mixing prints anymore. I had seen this Kate dress in the Gudrun Sjödén catalog, and it just reminded me so much of dresses I wore in elementary school. I’d almost call it a pinafore. I love the way the plaid pattern intentionally changes on the sides. The only weird thing is the pocket placement. They’re just a bit too far back. But, they are good pockets, nice and deep. I really liked it, but I wasn’t sure how to style it. Then, I saw the Kelly blouse in allium and knew it was perfect as a completer piece. As the weather cools, I’ll wear a turtleneck under it and probably add a slip as well as tights. But, let’s talk about the silhouette of the outfit. Even though I’ve shed 40 pounds, I’m not necessarily going to wear clothing that fits more closely to my body. I will when I want to do so, but I love the billowy clothes made by Gudrun Sjödén. And, at my age, I think I’m old enough to decide, right?
The Lewk!
I know many of you are probably not wearing sandals anymore this year. I will probably wear them until the snow flies…for blog photos anyway. It was not unusual for me to wear sandals well into November when I was teaching. These are my Shay sandals from Miz Mooz. The Purple Hayden Disc necklace and the Assuta white earrings are from Sylca Designs. I love the fun and whimsical designs of these necklaces. I really need more of the earrings. They come in a huge array of colors.
Wrap it up, Marsha!
I know there are many of you who will read this who will think I cheated and took the easy way out. And, that’s OK. I know I didn’t. I know I have worked hard at this and will continue to do so. I honestly cannot tell you how wonderful it is not to have my brain telling me I need a Reeses Peanut Butter cup. I am happier than I’ve been in years. I feel better, and, doggone it, I think I look better, too. I also know there are some who think it’s all about willpower, and that might work for some people. But, I think obesity is a kind of addiction. And, unlike other addictions, you can’t just quit eating. You have to take in some nutrition. With that first bite in the morning, those feelings come flooding back, and you’re not only feeding your body, you’re feeding your addiction. Another thing I know is how lucky I am to be able to afford this. It is not inexpensive. I have the resources, and I have a very supportive Nigel. I’m going to leave you with another RuPaul quote: “When you become the image of your own imagination, it’s the most powerful thing you could ever do.” So, can we talk? Does any of this resonate with you? Have you used one of the weight loss drugs, and how is it going for you? Please leave me a comment or two, and we can talk. I promise to respond as quickly as I can.
Thank you!
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Where you can find me:
Linking up with Nancy’s Fashion Style, Fine-Whatever, Is This Mutton, Shelbee on the Edge, Chez Mireile, Suzy Turner, and Away from the Blue as well as Deb’s World and A Fresh Cup of Coffee. I also link up with This Blonde’s Shopping Bag, Doused in Pink, I do deClaire, Mummabstylish, Style Splash and Elegantly Dressed and Stylish as well as the Senior Salon Pit Stop (Esme’s Salon) and Slices of Life. Please check out these wonderful ladies and their blogs! I also am a co-host for Ageless Style on the third Thursday of the month and Songful Style on the last Monday of the month. I co-host Traffic Jam Weekend every Thursday with Melynda, Lisa, and Sue. I also host Final Fridays on the last Friday of the month as well as 10 on the 10th on the 10th of the month! I do hope you’ll check out all of these blogs and link parties!
Well done Marsha. That’s also a very good way to eat your way around a plate. I remember doing that as a child too. I shall start doing it again.
Thank you, Rosie! I am one of those weird people who eats all of one item anyway so it was easy enough to start with the greens!
A lovely honest read Marsha, you are doing well and I hope you feel better about yourself and the eforts you’ve made to be healthier. Love the dress too!!
Thank you, Debbie! I am doing very well and truly do feel better about myself. I’m working hard to lose those last few pounds.
Marsha, everything here resonates with me! I often wish that I was as thin as I was the first time I thought I was fat…which was probably about the age of 8. Ha. I was not fat at all, by the way. Rather I was tall and big-boned and when I would sit next to my swimming teammates, I would notice that my calves were larger than some of their thighs. Of course, that made me feel like a gigantic Amazon woman! I had worked hard at lifestyle changes and lost a lot of weight in the last decade and then earlier this year I gained 15 pounds overnight and no matter what I do, I cannot get rid of it! In fact, I started making new lifestyle changes about 3 weeks, adding daily cardio workouts and making sure that I get my 10,000 steps in every day. I have also started to change my diet a little bit but I am very much addicted to sweets! In the last 3 weeks, I have gained 5 more pounds! Like what the heck, man? The doctor blames menopause mostly, my sister says keep at it and the pounds will drop soon, but I do know that I have to eat better still to make these changes happen. I think you look wonderful and healthy and happy in your photos, my friend! I love this plaid dress and floral topper combination. I did chuckle a little at your childhood nickname of Moose but only because that is the nickname my husband’s brothers gave him as a child! Great post!
Shelbee
Yep, I was Moose in our very large neighborhood. I suppose someone said it, and I reacted so it stuck! I don’t think my legs were all that big as much as muscular because I was always out running and jumping and such. I think the first time I “realized” I was big was in 4th grade when we got weighed. The teacher’s response wasn’t said in a malicious way, but it obviously stuck with me. Now, my aunt at my dad’s funeral…that was just mean and vindictive. I feel for you with the weight gain, but I haven’t noticed it. I think you’re pretty tall, right? But, at the same time, you know it so you feel it. Thank you so much for the compliments. I do feel so much better, physically and mentally. Now to get those last pounds off! Thanks again, my beautiful friend!
That’s a great post, Marsha. I can resonate with what Shelbee said “I often wish that I was as thin as I was the first time I thought I was fat”. There’s a picture that could make me cry because I remember some mean remarks around that time and now I can’t believe I took them seriously.
Thanks, Cat! It’s heartbreaking when you think about the things people say that you remember and that had a direct effect on your life. Would I tell my aunt how hurtful her words were? No, because a) she wouldn’t care, and b) she wouldn’t remember. My legs weren’t particularly big back then, but they weren’t super thin, either. I’m sorry you had the same experience.
You look fabulous and I am so happy for you that you found something that worked; that can be so tricky! I love your outfit.
Thank you so much, Joanne! It’s been a journey, but I’m so glad I did it.
Thanks for sharing this, Marsha. You look great and even better your health is improving and you feel great.
Your new way of eating makes a lot of sense and I love that you see it as a lifestyle and not a diet. I gave up carbs and sugar more than 2 years ago and I don’t miss them. Food noise is real and if you can get rid of that life is much more peaceful!
You are so right about the shots helping but work still has to be done. I think your post is going to help many people, you really spoke from the heart!
xo,
Kellyann
Thank you, Kellyann! I am feeling so good both physically and mentally. I really liked Weight Watchers about 13 years ago when I lost 60 pounds, but then they messed with the program and things became free. It was just so weird. I actually gained weight on that. Oh, it is so good to have the food noise disappear. It was like that voice had been silenced. I do hope my post helps others…but they have to find it first, right?
Hello Marsha, thank you for such an honest post.
I was very over weight as a child but did loose a lot of weight in my very late 20’s which I have managed to keep off.
I’m now a size 10(UK) and I’m 5 feet 2 inches with a low thyroid problem but I still look in the mirror and see someone much larger. I know this is crazy -right!
That inner voice again. There is so much emphasis on people to look a certain way. And as an older women (72), what with advertising etc some think we should be thinner, not have grey hair or wrinkles which show we’ve had a life and have smiled, cried etc through it.
So thank you for today’s post, I think it will help many people.
Thank you, Linda! I just felt it was time to address the issue. Good for you keeping the weight off. That is always the toughest part. But, I hear you about what you see when you look in the mirror. Our brains lie to us so easily, don’t they? I just want my thicker friends to know they are still beautiful no matter what. And, if someone has a problem with it…the problem is with that person. Would you believe I’ve gotten more compliments on my hair since going grey than I ever did when I was coloring it? I love my silver hair and the freedom it gives me! But, I also like the fashion colors which wash out! Thank you again, Linda!
I’m really sorry you have been struggling so much with your weight. And I cannot believe adults saying such things about a child. I’m the one who also hears everything. Well, the most important thing is that you feel good! And to be blessed with a supportive husband! BTW, to me you always look fabulous!
Thank you, Nancy! Well, my aunt is a bit of bitter old lady so it wasn’t a surprise, but it definitely hurt and stuck with me. I do feel good, and I am so lucky to have Mike on my side. You made me cry with your last sentence, Nancy! But, thank you for it!
I look back at all of the time and energy I wasted worrying and obsessing over my weight. Ugh…
But the most important part is our health and im so glad you took the bull by the horns and have worked on that part of it.
Have you read the book the glucose revolution? https://amzn.to/47UTSBl
I think that was helpful to try to beat out much of the food noise. Ask Mireille too because her blood work improved because of it.
Xoox
Jodie
Thanks, Jodie. I have spent decades berating myself and suffering. This is the first time in forever I’ve felt good about my choices. I will look for the book. Thank you again!
Congratulations on your accomplishment, Marsha! I think you should wearing some more form-fitting outfits from time to time so you can show it off!
Thank you, Allison! I actually do on a daily basis. But, I have all these beautiful clothes from Gudrun Sjoden that I want to show on the blog! But, i promise, I will do more of that.
This was such an honest, heartfelt read, Marsha. Your openness and self-reflection really resonate. I appreciate how you shared both the emotional and practical sides of your journey with such grace. You look wonderful, but more importantly, you sound genuinely happy and at peace, and that’s what truly shines through.
Rena
https://finewhateverblog.com
Thank you so much, Rena! I really don’t know how else to be when it comes to topics that hit close. I truly am happy (though I’ll be happier when those last stubborn pounds are gone). I really appreciate the compliments, too! Your comment brought me to tears.
Wow – this is beautiful, painful and deeply moving, all in one. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m so glad you are feeling well + supported. When I took antidepressants, I navigated concerns from others about “cheating” and what life after it would look like. I’m so glad I took it.
I’m so glad you have found what works for you!
And, of course, these patterns look divine on you 🤎
Thank you, Edi! It felt the same way writing it. As I was reading it to Mike, I couldn’t stop crying. I don’t think even he knew what life had been like for me. I’m lucky to be surrounded by beautiful and loving people, including you.
Thanks for being vulnerable with us, Marsha, and sharing your story. From about high school on, I was always trying to lose weight, even though when I look at photos from the time period now, I realize I was quite thin. I did gain weight through my 30s and 40s, and then lost it with Weight Watchers and have managed to keep it off since then. But the reason I’m recounting this history is because at no point did I feel like my body was perfect. I always wanted to be a little thinner or fitter. Now in my 60s, I am at my most physically fit, but of course, time has taken its toll, so I have all the midlife bumps and bulges, but I have learned to appreciate my body for all the amazing things it can do and how good I feel. It’s an ongoing journey for most of us. Keep up the good work!
Thank you, Christie! We are just so critical of ourselves, and it doesn’t help when we hear others doing the same. Oh, yes, the bumps and bulges…I just consider them my testimonials to life! That flap of belly that never goes away is a sign of carrying three healthy (and huge) babies. The sagging skin on my arms and legs are just signs of weight loss. The wrinkles around my mouth are because I prefer smiling and laughing. Our bodies tell our journeys, don’t they?
Hi, Marsha – I followed your lead and logged out of WordPress to see if this comment goes through. I was trying to say that you always look great…and that you are blessed to have a wonderful, loving husband to let you know that. I agree with Allison that it’s a good idea to start showing off your assets more. This quote often echoes in my head: “we are all the same, only with different challenges.” So the point of looking our best is to make our outfits focus on our good points. Hugs – Angie, http://www.yourtrueselfblog.com
Thanks, Angie! Oh, I will definitely wear more form fitting things now, but I am just in love with Gudrun Sjoden clothing. I really am lucky at how he supports me in almost everything (except for a brand spanking new Corvette). Isn’t that weird we had to log out of WordPress, and we could comment on a WordPress blog? I don’t know that I’ll ever understand technology!
I think you are brave to be transparent about it all! I think you look fantastic, but it’s more important how you feel.
Thank you, Laura! Believe me, I wrestled with it for a bit. But, I decided to just go with it because it’s a little noticeable now.
That’s the way I have been eating lately, in that order and I usually find that I snack less. Eating enough protein is where I struggle, if I don’t eat enough, the sweets craving come, especially when my hormones are yo yoing nowadays. I am glad you found something that works for you!
http://www.chezmireillefashiontravelmom.com
Thanks, Mireille! I do struggle with finding enough green vegetables (a variety, that is). But, I don’t have much problem getting the protein in. I was raised a meat eater!
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. You will inspire and support many women with this post. So glad that you found something to quiet the noise. Love the look my friend!
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
Thank you so much, Kathrine! I do hope others can find something in my post if they’re feeling like I did. I truly appreciate the compliments.
There’s no shame in taking care of your own health and well-being! We all need to do what works for us! You look great!!
I am struggling hard with this right now! I was definitely the person who had body dysmorphia when I was young. I had an ED in high school – I would eat one bagel a day and that was it for food, and then go to swim practice as well. I was fairly thin, on the athletic side of thin so more fit, but now that I am turning 500 in a few days, weight is becoming an issue. What the heck? I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted! Now though, nope. I was at the doctor’s earlier this week, and the nurse weighed me, and as we walked to the exam room she said, “Sorry about your weight”. And I was super confused and sort of offended like, thanks a lot. Lol. And I thought about it that whole visit, until I got home and chatted Lisa who said, Erin, she probably meant WAIT. Like in the waiting room. Sorry about the WAIT. Lol. But that shows how much it is on my mind!
Anyway, you look great and you do you and be happy!!!
Thanks, Erin! I just wanted to be up front and honest about how I lost the weight. Weight Watchers worked for me several years ago, but they’re constantly changing the program. And, it no longer seemed to work. I feel like I’m more healthy now, too. This last time when I gained the weight, it came on fast and just wouldn’t budge. So, I decided to go this route.
I did have to giggle a bit about the weight/wait, but I would have been thinking about she meant it that same way as you did. Isn’t it awful what we do to ourselves? And, thank you for your compliments and support!
This post will inspire so many women! I’m happy you found something that works for you! That’s a great way to develop healthier eating habits – start with greens and proteins, and then you’re almost too full for the carbs. You look amazing! I love this look and the print mixing!
Jill – Doused in Pink
Thank you, Jill! I really do feel much better. I had just read to start with your greens so it wasn’t really a part of being on the semaglutide. But, it definitely does work that way!
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Rather late in the day I am responding by saying I did notice your weight loss but just thought it was not on to mention it!
Oh well done you for what you have done now, and commiserations as how awful to grow up thinking your weight and your size was a problem. I’ll tell you something, being short with strong sturdy legs is a very good thing especially as you grow old and I’ll tell you why, it’s because having long thin legs and small feet on a tall body is fab for a long time while you are young and even middle aged. But honestly I’d so much rather have stronger bigger feet, and sturdier legs to hold me up while I feel unbalanced, as my tiny thin feet (with high arches and toes that curl up) and thin legs really don’t help. Not to worry as I now have a diagnosis for my issue. But rest assured I think your size and shape is actually the right kind to have.
Great outfit as per usual Marsha – have a really good week X
Thank you, Penny! I know it’s not the thing these days to comment on weight loss, but I thought 40 pounds was pretty apparent. So, I decided to write about my experiences with pharmaceutical assistance as well as my reasons. My weight wasn’t a problem until I heard all the coded messages telling me it was. Then, I became so self-conscious about it, and I ate my feelings. I agree that my nearness to the ground as well as my thicker legs do help with balance. But, I do work on balance because it’s an important thing to retain as we get older (and, I know you know that better than most). Thank you, again, Penny, for the kind words.
Gosh Marsha, I had no idea you had issues with your weight because I’ve just always seen you as a kind, beautiful and stylish woman—I honestly never thought of you as overweight at any point since I’ve ‘known’ you. I’m so sorry that you’ve suffered so much over the years, but I am so happy to read that you’ve found something which has given you the results that you wanted. You look fabulous, but then I think you’ve always looked fabulous!
Huge hugs
Suzy xx
Awww, thanks, Suzy! I have had issues with my weight since forever. I feel like I can breathe now. You are so sweet…I definitely was obese, morbidly so, but I do think we all see ourselves so much differently than others do. Thank you again and again for your compliments!
Loved this post. You and I have a lot in common on the weight front. I also believe I have body dsymorphia. I had noticed you have lost weight but nowadays it doesn’t seem right to mention it, unless the person does. You look great! Thanks for linking.
Thank you, Gail. I had no idea you feel that way. I guess that’s part of it, right? I know about not mentioning weight loss so that’s why I wrote the post…to be transparent. Thank you again.