Raise your hand if you knew today was Pay a Compliment Day! Bonus points if you didn’t google it like I did! How are you at receiving compliments? I am not very good at it. My first inclination is to just brush it off. My second is to think, “Why did I do that?”
Why do we do that…
It’s interesting to read the research behind why we don’t or can’t accept compliments. Many articles/blog posts I read mention low self-esteem. I taught with two spectacular women. And, you know what? None of us could accept a compliment, even from each other! I’ve always wondered if anyone ever did a study correlating self-esteem and educators. Cognitive dissonance (aka low self worth) also pokes its head into the mix. You might wonder how these two differ. Your self-esteem is “how you think and feel about yourself.” Self worth is “knowing and believing in your worth as a person (source).” Another factor I found was women, more than men, find it difficult to accept compliments. I think this one is easy. We are/were raised to not be boastful, to be modest, to basically fade into the background.
A little more…
The more I read, the more I was intrigued with compliments. Another thing we might do when we receive compliments is to deflect. This means we brush it off as if to say, “Nope, not me.” By deflecting the compliment, we don’t have to accept anything that goes with it. If someone tells me my hair looks really good, I might say, “Oh, I have the best stylist. She is responsible for the color.” Sound familiar? Yeah, I think I’ve said that a couple of times on the blog! My stylist is responsible for the color (sometimes). But, the hair and how I’ve styled it is mine…all mine!
Still more…
Oh, this is a good one. Sometimes, when we receive compliments, we reciprocate. Instead of enjoying the compliment, the moment, and even the good feelings, we respond with, “Oh, you look just as good!” Been there? I know I have. That doesn’t mean our own compliments are insincere. It just means we are uncomfortable being alone in the spotlight. We feel compelled to return the compliment, as the saying goes!
Last one…
This one is when we discount the actual compliment. If someone tells me my hair looks really good, I might say, “Oh, it would have been better, but I ran out of my favorite hairspray. I had to make do with the cheap stuff I have on hand for emergencies. It would have been so much better with the other hairspray.” Now, does anyone have to know I have good and cheap hairspray? Nope! Discounting a compliment might just make the complimentor think, “Why did I even say a thing?” I’ve been on that side of the coin, too! Here is a little more information about these three responses.
How to accept a compliment…
Let’s get this out there right now. I am not a mental health professional. I’m a retired educator who blogs and loves to learn new stuff. These are some of the things I gleaned after my googling adventures.
- Just say, “Thank you!” This seems like an easy one. How many of us, though, put a but after it? We often say, “Thank you, but I could have done x,y,z better.” Just stop after the first two words!
- Don’t interrupt the compliment. I am so guilty of this. It’s just so easy to stop the person and deflect that praise, isn’t it? Let the person talk and really listen to what they have to say. For some reason, the complimentor wants to let you know what they think and/or feel.
- Let the person know you heard them and appreciate the compliment. I may have shared this before. I was shopping years ago in VonMaur. As I walked past the cosmetics department, I happened to catch the eye of one of the sales associates. This woman was stunning…breathtakingly stunning! I told her. I didn’t embellish anything. I just simply said, “You are stunning.” She looked at me in disbelief and began weeping. She told me she really needed to hear that that day. I was flabbergasted! Here was this gorgeous woman, and she needed to hear that she was stunning! I honestly don’t know which of us felt better.
- Accept the compliment for yourself. If you’re working in a group and you receive a compliment, accept it for yourself. I think there’s a thin line here of which you should be aware. Accept the compliment for yourself for what you did. Then, acknowledge the work of others. In other words, don’t brush off (or deflect) what you did in the group and give all the credit to the group. Take your compliment for your work and then pass on the compliment to the rest. (source, source)
Off the soap box…
Wowza! I did not mean to go all preachy on you! I started off with letting you know yesterday (Monday) was Pay a Compliment Day and then went off on a tangent! Sorry about that! Accepting compliments is difficult for me so this post is more for me than anyone! I hope, though, you learned something new even if it was that Monday was a holiday! Just to even the score, Tuesday is National Fettucine Alfredo Day as well as Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbors Day! In our house, we’ll be celebrating National Jack Day!
What I’m wearing…
I wore this skirt for Gail’s 7 Day Skirt Challenge last fall. I was scrolling through my phone, saw the photos, and decided the skirt needed its own post on the blog instead of just on Instagram! The description of the skirt says it’s grey, but it’s definitely purple! My top is actually the top part of a dress (those wonderful jersey swing dresses from Old Navy)! The denim jacket is from Talbots and has a ruffled collar (though you can’t see it very well). Because the waistband of the skirt is elastic all the way round, I covered it with this belt.
The Lewk!
I love purple and green together so I pulled out these Sofft booties (similar). I bought them in the NSale a few years ago and wear them frequently. The earrings are Stella & Dot. For some reason, I skipped the matching necklace! My bracelets are from my bestie…one was a gift, the other a purchase from Premier Designs.
Wrap it up, Marsha!
Well, this was an unexpected turn! Many times, I start out a post intending to go one direction and end up going in a completely different one! Sorry about that! I thought, perhaps, someone out there in the blogosphere could benefit from what I learned. So, can we talk? Did you happen to celebrate Pay a Compliment Day? How are you at accepting compliments? Are you guilty of deflecting them? Please leave a comment or two, and we can talk! I promise to respond as soon as possible. I apologize for the continuing lack of email notifications.
10 on the 10th reminder…
Don’t forget February 10th is this Friday. I hope you’ll play along! There will be a link party, but you’ll have to supply your own refreshments!
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I’m usually pretty bad at accepting compliments too but I am working on just saying a gracious “thank you!” and leaving it at that. But it’s hard.. anytime anyone compliments a piece of jewelry or a wardrobe item I have a hard time not going on and on about where I found it or how long I’ve had it– like they care! LOL. This was a fun topic to read about and your outfit is just adorable.
Thanks, Joanne! Oh, I wonder if that’s another kind of rejection of the compliment…kind of like deflection by redirecting the attention to something other than you! Now, you’ve got me wondering!
I’m not great at accepting compliments either. I am working on it though. It just feels so embarrassing in some way. Lol.
I love your skirt, btw!
Thanks, Erin! I think it feels embarrassing because we have been “taught” to not call attention to ourselves. But, I agree…it’s hard to change that behavior!
I may be the odd woman out but I am pretty good at receiving compliments! I also like giving compliments and have definitely gotten every variety of response you talked about in this post. I keep hoping that younger women are being less socialized than earlier generations toward deflecting or rejecting compliments.
I am so glad to read this, Sally! I’m not sure why I never liked accepting compliments because I can’t really recall my mom telling me I shouldn’t…that doesn’t sound right, but I hope you know what I mean.
I agree…I hope the younger generations of women are out there not only accepting compliments but giving them to their peers to lift them up!
This is so good. I’ve gotten so much better at this thanks to my hubby. Sometimes I still deflect only because I want to compliment the other person too (authentically of course).
XOOX
Jodie
Thanks, Jodie! I never even recognized I was deflecting compliments until I read these different posts. It’s so interesting to find out things like this about ourselves.
There were 3 specific friends of mine when I was teaching that I worked really hard to train to respond simply “thank you” when I complimented them. They were not allowed to respond with negativity or deflection & if they did I’d call ‘em on it.
Since I’ve been working at the salon I run into the same thing. It’s definitely a woman problem, not just a teacher problem. It’s tough to overcome a lifetime of societal programming, but I address it whenever I hear it. xo
Debbie
http://www.yourstyledstory.com
Debbie, you are a wise woman! I think training people to just say the words is a wonderful first step in regaining our power. I see my granddaughters both being much stronger even as young as they are than I ever was.
Thanks for coming by, my friend!
I find myself doing all of these things with compliments. I appreciate you getting on your soapbox! I will try to do what you recommend the next time I get one. Love the print and color of this skirt!
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
Thanks, Kathrine! I find myself on my soapbox quite often but try to keep it off the blog. This kind of struck a chord with me because I am terrible at accepting compliments. I am getting better, though!
What a good post! I am really bad at accepting compliments. I don’t like being in the spotlight. You gave some good tips and reminders about receiving them. Thank you! And now, I’d like to compliment you! I love the way your dress looks with your hair! I think they complement each other nicely and the dress looks very pretty on you!
Thank you so much, Laura! Isn’t it funny how we don’t like being in the spotlight, and yet we are bloggers? We are constantly in the spotlight…some of us have much brighter spotlights, though! I was really interested in some of the reasons we don’t like to receive compliments and then how to receive them graciously.
I think people’s human behaviour is really interesting to me. Compliment day is a wonderful thing. I never knew it was a day. I liked how you brought that up. I read a lot of posts of people sharing their low self esteem and it brings to mind there are a lot of unhappy people in the world even if you are not one of them. I love your post and outfit especially those shoes. https://www.bauchlefashion.com/2023/02/our-fresh-take-on-boucle-parisian.html
Thanks so much, Heather! I didn’t know it was a day either until I googled it! It’s such a sad thing to know how unhappy so many people are. I’m hopeful things will change soon!
It’s a good topic, Marsha! I am often surprised at compliments, I think. However, I do try to say thank you before I say anything else. Somewhere back in my young life, I learned that it was impolite to invalidate the feelings of the complimenter. (Probably, my dad. He was brilliant at understanding feelings.) And then I’ll leave it at that or say something along the line about how I wasn’t sure…. about whatever the subject is and so I appreciate their perspective. This allows me to share my insecurity, but still validates their compliment.
But you’re right women are taught to deflect, to feel we aren’t good enough, etc.
Michelle
https://funkyfashionstyle.com
Your dad was an amazing man, Michelle! He has left you with so many wonderful memories and lessons! Have you written about him? I would love to read it! I need to now practice what I preach!
Thanks for coming by!
First of all, Marsha, I must say that your hair looks freaking fabulous! I love bangs on you and the color is stunning. These purplish grays/grayish purples you have been wearing lately are so, so good with your hair color! I struggle with accepting compliments as well and have used all those deflective techniques in the past. I have taught myself to respond with a short and sweet, “Thank you. I really appreciate that.” And then I very quickly move onto the next thing! I do, however, love to give compliments to others. And I really love when they are unexpected and turn someone’s day around! Beautiful post, my friend.
Shelbee
Thanks, Shelbee! It’s so funny to be receiving compliments on my hair at this age! My hair has never been my strong point, but I love it now! I am working on accepting compliments myself. And, it makes my day when I give out a compliment and see someone’s face light up!
Your tips for how to respond to a compliment are spot on. The one thing that I get complimented on a lot is my hair, even before I decided to stop coloring it. I would often respond to an “I love your hair” compliment with “thanks, but it’s so frizzy today” or “thanks but I trying to grow it longer” which realized only served to insult the opinion of the person giving the compliment. Nowadays, I simple say thank you with a big smile on my face.
Rena
http://www.finewhateverblog.com
Thanks, Rena! I just caught myself, as I was responding to a comment, with some deflection! I need to practice what I preach, right? And, you have magnificent hair!!