Please Forgive Me, Toni!

There’s support…

In my last post, I mentioned in my closing arguments (too much Court TV), I may or may not have been the subject of two women smirking on a recent trip to the mall. It’s funny how many of you commented on that as well as whether or not you liked skinny jeans. Overwhelmingly, you were all so kind and wanted me to know how you had my back. And, that got me thinking about how we do or do not support each other.

Let’s talk crabs..

Have you ever heard about crab mentality? It goes like this. Throw a bunch of crabs into a pot, stand back, and watch. If one crab should happen to escape the claws and clamber to the top of the pot, the other crabs will react. They will reach up, grab that crab, and pull it back down with the bunch of them. The idea is they all perish. I guess they’re the Three Musketeers of the animal (arthropods are indeed animals) world. You know: “All for one, and one for all” as long as the one doesn’t escape and dies with the all!

Which leads to…

How about the tall poppy syndrome? This comes to us from Down Under (is it OK to still say that)! The idea is the tall poppy (the one standing tallest) will be cut down to the height of the others. This is not used to describe crabs, but to describe another animal…Homo sapiens! That’s right! It’s used to describe what happens when another person succeeds at a cultural or intellectual level. The others cut that person down to their size either by denigrating or ignoring their success or even setting about to sabotage that success. Sad, isn’t it? I mean, we actually have syndromes for this? Here is an interesting piece about it. If you think this is a modern affliction, think again. Some believe this comes to us from as far back as 539 BC when Lucius Tarquinus Superbus, a heck of a nice guy, beheaded tall poppies to show what he wanted done to those who opposed him (source, source).

Think I’m kidding…

I can’t find anything to back this up, but I often heard Teachers of the Year usually left the building in which they’d received their award within a couple of years. Here’s what I do know. The hardest group of people to teach are teachers. Trust me on this one! I’ve been in so many meetings, conferences, symposia to know teachers do not shush well! During my teaching career, there were times I had to present to my school. Teachers do not like to be taught by their fellow teachers. It’s definitely a case of tall poppies! I am just as guilty of it as the next teacher! Now, I also know a lot of that is time is precious in a school day! You have X amount of things to accomplish and usually only Y amount of time in which to do it!

Back to crabs…

When I was teaching fourth grade, one of our science units involved animals, life cycles, and the like. For a few years, we had actual animals in our classrooms. And, one of those animals was the fiddler crab! They stink! Mix in some good old fourth grade boy sneaker smell, and you’ve got a definite olfactory stew going on! Our crabs didn’t necessarily pull each other back into the bucket. They had a nice little habitat set up for them, but they sure did like to escape from it. So, perhaps, fiddler crabs are the “nice” crabs of the arthropod world! They help each other make a break for it!

And, then there’s Meg and Amber…

You’d have to be living under a rock not to know about these two women. I am, of course, talking about Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, and Amber Heard. I watched hours of the jury trial for Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. I have not watched the Netflix series on the Sussexes. But, I have this visceral reaction to both women. I really don’t know why, and I really don’t like that I do. I want to support and believe these women. Why don’t I? Is it a societal thing? Am I preprogrammed to believe they aren’t telling the truth? Am I crab in human clothing? I didn’t feel this way about the women who came forward during the recent Me, Too events. I’m just not sure why these two particular women really bother me. Of course, I’m sure that keeps them up nights!

Check out the embroidered pockets!

Toni..

When I was really young, I remember my brother had this friend. He lived down the road from us. That isn’t what made him remarkable to me. Two things did. The first was he dressed differently than the rest of the boys. While most were wearing tees and jeans, this kid wore polos and khakis. His hair was also perfectly cut and combed. The second and most important to this post is his mom, Toni. She was a cocktail waitress at the local American Legion. You’re probably wondering how in the world I knew that if I was a young kid, right? Well, Fridays were BINGO nights, and I would go with my friend and her mom. Toni was always made up to the hilt! Her hair was poofy, and her makeup looked like something you would see on a Hollywood set not a schlumpy little town in Northeast Indiana. OK, I might be exaggerating! But, she did wear a lot of makeup, and her hair was high! I also remember not so nice things being said about her. I didn’t know what those things meant at the time, and I don’t even really remember what they were. But, I knew she was a bad woman. I knew she wore the wrong clothes and too much makeup. I knew. BS…I knew nothing! I heard whispers and ugly giggles coming from…my mom and her best friend. I didn’t know anything, and I’d be willing to bet money they didn’t either! Toni was a woman going against the grain in a small town. Toni was a crab, a tall poppy except she kept her poppy head. She might not have exactly escaped the crab bucket known as CC, but she lived her life well. I’d rather be a Toni than a couple of small-minded housewives with nothing better to do. I wish I’d known that then and had the courage to say that to them!

Sale alert…

Speaking of supporting women…did you know April Cornell is a real person? I’m not sure I’d call hers a small business, but she definitely started small. She creates many of the designs of the fabric for her clothing and linens. On top of that, she employs women to run the factory in India where her products are made. And, that factory is brilliantly painted, surrounded by greenery and flowers, and provides meals to many. The Boxing Day Sale has begun so you can pick up some really good bargains. One of them is this wonderful Jessa Corduroy skirt. You can’t really see it very well, but the pockets are embroidered! I love April Cornell corduroy; it is soft and comfortable right out of the gate! I added a chambray shirt from Old Navy (similar) and a leather belt. I have plenty of other ideas for this little beauty!

Speaking of supporting women…

Another woman run business I support is Southern Soul Collectives. Meredeth is one of the sweetest women on the face of the planet. This woman is a hardworking mama with the desire to create a safe space for women of all sizes, shapes, and colors. She has a Facebook group, too! You can read more about Meredeth and her boutique here. Take a look at her boutique. I’m betting you can find one or two things you love! Give Meredeth some love and follow her on Instagram!

The Lewk!

These boots are as old as the hills! They are from Born and are wide calf! I’ve written before about how difficult it is for me to find a pair of tall boots that fit my calves. The problem usually with wide calf boots is that the shoe part is usually wide, too! I first put on the long necklace with the chain and stone. It kind of disappeared on my shirt. When I added the turquoise chip necklace, the other came along for the ride! I also wore turquoise chip earrings Nigel bought me on a trip to the Southwest many years ago. The belt is my grandpa’s. Did you notice I’m wearing it backward?

Wrap it up, Marsha!

I want all of you to know how much I appreciated your words of kindness with regard to the smirky women at the mall. And, then, my dear friend, Leslie made me think about the times I’ve been a little judgy, a little smirky. And, that lead me to crabs! I wish I could apologize to Toni. But, the reality is she wouldn’t have a clue who I was. I was maybe ten years old. That means this kind of thinking is ingrained in us so early! So, can we talk? Have you ever heard of crab mentality or tall poppy syndrome? Have you ever caught yourself falling prey to either? Do you find yourself judging female celebrities? If you’ve managed to conquer that, please tell me how! Please leave me a comment or two, and we can talk! I promise to respond as soon as I can!

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Thank you!

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Where you can find me:

Linking up with Nancy’s Fashion StyleMy Bijou LIfe, Fine-Whatever, Is This Mutton, Shelbee on the Edge, Chez MireileThe Grey Brunette, and Away from the Blue. I also link up with This Blonde’s Shopping BagDoused in PinkBeing a Wordsmith, and I do deClaire and Mummabstylish. Please check out these wonderful ladies and their blogs! I’m a co-host on the Weekend Traffic Jam (here). I also am a co-host for Ageless Style on the third Thursday of the month and Songful Style on the last Monday of the month. I also host Final Friday Print Mixing on the last Friday of the month as well as 10 on the 10th on the 10th of the month! I do hope you’ll check out all of these blogs and link parties!

24 Comments

  1. Such a great outfit. I just love this post it was a pleasure to read. Hope you are enjoying the holiday season. Check out this epic coffee maker review it is kinda of amazing.
    https://www.bauchlefashion.com/2022/12/coffee-maker-guru-my-review-on.html?spref=pi&m=1

    • Thanks, Heather! I will definitely check it out…though I don’t drink coffee! Maybe, there’s an option for tea!

  2. This is such a nice outfit, I really like the detail on the belt with the embroidery on the skirt! It’s a nice mix of textures with the chambray skirt too.

    I think when we are growing up it’s easy to base our opinions on others based on the opinions of our parents, I’m sure Toni didn’t know what you thought, and you know differently now which makes all the difference 🙂 I can’t speak to celebs as I don’t know them.

    Hope you are having a great day 🙂

    • Thanks, Mica! Oh, my gosh! Someone is really going to rip away my blogging badge as I didn’t even notice the play on textures!

      I agree with you…we learn and do better, right?

  3. So i thought, I’ve got a few minutes left, let’s read Marshas post. Should have known better…… lol. I think we all know a Tonie. Those women that everyone actually admired. But we women are a strange specious. Have a great day!

    • Hahaha!!! I love it, Nancy! I’m glad you enjoy my posts! Yes, we probably all know a Toni and probably wish we were her at times!

      Thanks, Nancy!!

  4. What a thought provoking and interesting article! One rather has to admire that Toni for being different, good for her, and you must forgive yourself as what do we know when we’re 10! Lovely skirt btw, and your accessories are wonderful as usual.

    And what do I know now about the two women you mention? Nothing, as how can we judge if we only have the media. But what I do know about Meghan is i) she totally misunderstood what it meant to marry into the British royal family. Our royal family is at the pinnacle of our class-ridden society and it’s very hard for people outside the UK to understand the rigidity of it all. You can’t buy into our aristocracy but you can marry into it. And if you marry into the royal family, well, good luck, as you would have to conform totally. Could say a lot more but will stop. And ii) our press was vile to her and continues to this day to be vile.. There’s a particularly loathsome columnist (won’t say his name) who only a couple of days ago wrote that he wanted her stripped naked and pelted with filth and people shouting, shame. It is SO disgusting what is allowed in our gutter press. Glad to say there have been loads of complaints about that column. Meghan, in my view, didn’t stand a chance in the UK, so I don’t mind their anger and distress. However, I do hope she finds a satisfying role apart and away from her dysfunctional in-laws! Harry too!!

    • It’s really awesome to hear about this situation from a British person’s point of view. I think Americans truly do not understand all of the nuances regarding the royal family. We see their privilege, but have no clue about the rigidness of their lives.

      • I think you’re right on this, Michelle! It’s a bit like when celebrities complain they’ve no privacy, and I wonder why they’re upset. The same idea is behind it…you get something, but you just may have given up much more to get it!

    • Thanks, Penny! I am sure Toni was a very nice woman. She definitely loved her son and took such good care of him. I’ll have to ask my brother if he knows whatever became of him.

      As for marrying into the royal family, I cannot imagine the stress it would be! One thinks it would be a fairy tale come true, right? But, then you only have to read Diana’s story (in so many different forms) to see that it wasn’t! I often shudder when I think of the now king’s answer about what love is! I wonder if she had an inkling then! As for Meghan, I do feel badly for her. I think she probably thought love was going to be more than enough since she was marrying the spare (such a poignant name for a memoir, right). But, I think my problem is they say they don’t want any media coverage, and then they “star” in things like this Netflix series. I don’t know…maybe they’re donating all of the proceeds for it.

      I had no idea your press was so awful. It sounds like this columnist needs a bit of time away from the typewriter! It is hard to find media outlets that aren’t skewed a certain way here. I know most of the information I read is more liberal leaning. I don’t want to bury my head in the sand, but I just can’t bring myself to read the far right agenda.

      Thanks for giving me lots of food for thought, Penny!

  5. Love the embroidered details on your skirt. I definitely will say that I have loved the blogging community because it has been the opposite of that crab mentality. Everyone has been so supportive! But in the real world we love daily in, it sure can be observed.
    http://www.chezmireillefashiontravelmom.com

    • Thanks, Mireille! I agree 100% with you about the blogging community! I thought people would be very territorial and not want another blogger in the world. Instead, I found welcoming arms and lots of help whenever I needed it. We need to make the real world more like the blogging world!

  6. I love your outfit! And yeah, I think as a species we often mask our jealousy with anger and self-righteousness. I don’t know anything about either of the 2 celebs you mentioned but I too find I have an idea formed about them anyway (I think that ‘s largely due to media of all types though). I just wish that Harry and Meghan would leave themselves out of the spotlight if that’s truly what they want. I think I view much of Meghan’s anger and lashing out as being a bit whiny; I get it if the British media and even the royal family was not their thing and may have treated them poorly but you can’t complain about being in the spotlight if you keep putting yourself in the spotlight. I feel a bit like they’re trying to make money off of their dissatisfaction and if they just want to go live a normal, quiet life on their own without media and without the royal family and their rules then that’s what they should go do and stop trying to drag everyone else through the mud in their anger. It’s like airing family grievances publicly and that always rubs me the wrong way. The psychologist in me has spent many a years sitting back and watching crowds and group dynamics at parties and both family and social functions and it’s amazing to me how many people seem to want to be angry and miserable and make all their connections commiserating– and the herd gets angry at those that don’t join in or conform so people like Toni are often cast out even though she was probably a perfectly nice person. It’s sad how early and unknowingly we pass these lessons onto our kids and I can tell you that even as young as preschool the same group dynamics are starting.

    • Oh, Joanne, you’ve made some really good points here. I think I agree with you that, while the Sussexes may have gotten a bad rap in Britain, if they don’t want any media attention, don’t go on Netflix! But, having said that, I haven’t watched the series and don’t intend to so I don’t really know what’s in it.

      I have always been amazed at the young girls (I’m talking lower elementary) who had this “it” factor and knew how to use it. I could never figure out what that factor was, either. But, everyone recognized it and bowed to their wishes if they were that kind of girl. And, I shouldn’t have just said girls. I saw it with boys, too. And, what was heartbreaking was to see that non-conforming kid being ostracized from the groups because they were this and not that, or that and not this. The rules sometimes changed every day.

      One of the disheartening things to me when I was teaching was politics in my classroom. I’m talking actual politics. These kids had already decided they were party X because that’s what their families believed and nothing was going to change it. I tried to stress to them they needed to investigate candidates, form opinions on their own, and really become educated before going to vote. I know very few of them did that.

      Thanks, Joanne, for giving me lots to think about.

  7. So glad you found support from this amazing blogging community! I adore this look. I had no idea the April Cornell was a real person!

    https://www.kathrineeldridge.com

    • Thanks, Kathrine! Oh, yes, April is definitely real. I’ve met her a couple of times and have photos to prove it! Her daughter-in-law runs the store in Asheville, and her sons are also involved in business. Her granddaughter often is one of her models…the small red-headed little girl!

  8. We do learn from the adults in our lives – particularly stuff they probably didn’t mean for us to learn. And then we have to unlearn that crap! That said, my dad started teaching me very early not to judge the underdogs. He understood that they usually didn’t get a fair shake in life and deserved compassion. So hurray for Toni! Me? I’m much more likely to be judgy toward those who were born on third base, but think they’ve hit a home run. Great topic!

    Love this outfit, Marsha! The corduroy skirt is so pretty.

    Michelle
    https://funkyfashionstyle.com

    • Thanks, Michelle! Your dad seems like a really wise man! My mom’s best friend was a horrid gossip. My mom often told me to not look to her as a role model! But, they were best buddies for years until the BFF decided my mom wasn’t good enough for her anymore. Just goes to show!!!

  9. It is such a phenomenon, and I think it’s important to know about it so we can make sure we don’t fall into the same trap.
    I will say that our gut instincts can be powerful too, so there may be a reason you don’t like those women.

    Anyways your Toni story reminds me of one of my favorite sayings “It’s better to be a lion for one day, than a sheep all your life” Sister Elizabeth Kenny.

    Here’s to being a lion and supporting all of the wonderful women in our lives.
    XOOX
    Jodie
    http://www.jtouchofstyle.com

    • Thanks, Jodie! It is funny because Toni has been on my mind a lot lately, and I really didn’t know her beyond the occasional Friday night! It’s not like we ever sat down and had a conversation. But, I think about her a lot, I guess, because I sometimes worry I’m her. And, I shouldn’t be worried about that…I should be a lion, right!!!

      I do find I check myself more than ever now when I see anyone in something out of the ordinary. Most days, the only ones I really wonder at are the shorts and tees when it’s zero degrees!!! Those are usually middle school kids…they must run hot!!!

  10. Marsha, I love this post and this cute look! I had never heard of either the crab or poppy syndromes and I am sufficiently intrigued! I always love learning new things from you. I did not follow the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp stuff. But what little I did hear, I was also rubbed the wrong way by her. As for Meghan, I felt similarly until I watched the new documentary. Now I really love the Sussexes and support them fully. Maybe watch some of it. You may change your perspective. And even if you don’t change your perspective about them, I guarantee you will gain a whole new respect for Tyler Perry!

    Shelbee

    • Thanks, Shelbee! I knew about the crab thing, but I had never heard of the tall poppy syndrome. It’s a sad commentary on humanity, isn’t it? I may watch, but I’m just a little tired of hearing about them. We will see!

  11. I watched the documentary on the Sussexes and I really think Meghan was torn apart by the press. It’s horrible! You are right that as women we should definitely be supporting women. Love your gorgeous skirt and I bet it is warm! You could easily wear fleece leggings underneath and no one would be wiser! I’m only thinking of that because of the crazy wind chill today! Hope you are staying warm!

    • Thanks, Laura! I’m not sure if I’ll watch or not. Penny (see the comment she left) has said the press has continued to be horrible to Meghan.

      Oh, I need to look into fleece leggings. I couldn’t believe the cold here! We dropped over 40 degrees in less than 4 hours! But, I think we’re supposed to be back in the 50s this week!