The One about Body Positivity

My story…

In an earlier post (https://marshainthemiddle.com/elephant-what-elephant/), I wrote about my weight loss and then weight gain during the pandemic. What I didn’t write about was my on-going almost lifelong struggle with my weight. I grew up in a family that ate beef almost every night. My Grandpa Luderman raised two or three calves every year to be butchered for the families. It was nothing to have t-bones at our house. It was unusual to have spaghetti or even chicken. The beef was there so we ate it. We didn’t have desserts very often. Carbohydrates were limited at our house even before it was cool to limit carbs! Macaroni and cheese was something to celebrate (and Mom made fantastic mac and cheese!).

Sometimes, we made cookies from scratch, but I think those times were limited to holidays. Holiday dinners were filled with all kinds of scrumptious food. My Aunt Lou was a marvelous cook and always made so much more. It was customary to bring containers to fill with all of the leftovers! But, again, eating these kinds of foods was unusual and kinda frowned upon by Mom.

Mealtime

Even before Dad died, I had been responsible for cooking dinner (my older sister did, too, until she got married). Mealtimes still centered around meat. We weren’t big on “exotic” vegetables, either. Green beans were the usual vegetable. We ate corn occasionally because, even though Mom didn’t know about carbs, she knew corn wasn’t truly a vegetable like a green bean was! I’m sure we ate other vegetables, but I can’t recall them. Broccoli and brussels sprouts appeared occasionally. I loved brussels sprouts but we didn’t have them often. Just for the record, brussels sprouts and broccoli were those “exotic” vegetables I mentioned earlier!

Married Life

Once I got married, I had to figure out how to cook for two. Nigel and I bought a freezer and beef to put in it! But, he worked second shift, and I worked first! I wasn’t skinny, but I wasn’t fat either. I was actually just right. But, then those weight tables came out. Do you remember those? If you were five feet tall, you should weigh 100 pounds. You could add five pounds for each inch. That meant I should have weighed 105 pounds! I passed that in elementary school. Do you remember getting weighed in elementary school? I do. I was the second heaviest girl in fourth grade. My teacher told me I carried my weight well. I think I weighed 88 pounds! But, I digress!

Back to those weight tables…I had to lose twenty pounds to be compliant with those weight tables. Instead, I gained about ten pounds. I didn’t know how to eat at night alone so I ate all kinds of the wrong stuff. I baked to ease the boredom. I’m talking about 1976, so cable wasn’t in the picture then. We had one car. I stayed home because Nigel needed the car to get to work. I had few friends in the neighborhood because most of the women were much older than me. I had nothing in common with them. So, I stayed in the house and ate and gained 10 pounds.

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The diet yo yo begins…

And, then my sister-in-law lost an amazing amount of weight. She was getting daily injections of a hormone; her diet was limited to 500 calories a day, and she lost the weight fast! I signed up for that program fast! I got down to 115 pounds and was practically skeletal. This program was so nuts I had to wear rubber gloves if I used Pledge to dust my furniture because it could cause me to gain weight. I ate cucumbers and boiled chicken breasts. I don’t remember much else because 500 calories doesn’t allow for much.

The weekend after I completed the program, I ate all kinds of yummy things and gained several pounds in just a few days! The woman overseeing my program told me to eat a large steak and tomatoes for a couple of days. And, I lost those pounds. Did I receive any kind of nutritional advice? No. Did I receive any kind of maintenance counseling? No. Did I regain those pounds? Yes. Yes, I did. I regained those pounds and several more. I gained lots o’pounds. I joined Weight Watchers. I lost pounds. I gained pounds. I went on the Atkins diet. I lost pounds. I gained pounds. I joined Weight Watchers. I lost pounds. I gained pounds. I gave up. I gained more pounds. I retired and joined Weight Watchers online. I lost pounds and kept them off for a few years. Then, I started gaining those nasty boogers all over again. And, that brings us to now.

What does this have to do with body positivity?

Nigel loves me at any size. He has always told me I’m gorgeous. He has always supported me when I’ve joined Weight Watchers or did Atkins or whatever. He even supported me in that early idiotic extreme diet (it was very expensive). He never ever told me I had a big butt. Nigel says he still sees that sixteen year old he first met.

So, my body positivity story is this: I refused to see what I was doing to my body because I believed I looked good. I told myself I had big bones (I still think I do). I accepted the idea I was beautiful and healthy even as my weight edged ever higher and ever closer to the 200 pound mark! Yes, I got dangerously close to weighing 200 pounds. Remember, I’m only 5’1″ so 200 pounds is a lot to carry.

And, then, I lost sixty pounds and felt wonderful! I could buy all of these cute clothes, and they fit! I could also wear leather boots that were buttery soft and fashionable. My calves have always been larger so boots were always a struggle. But, with this weight loss, I was able to buy and wear gorgeous leather boots.

What no one tells you, though, is when you lose significant amounts of weight later in life after being larger for most of your life, you have lots of loose skin. I had the ugliest thighs. The skin just drooped. I wore compression undergarments with longer legs to hold them in. My upper arms…well, I just accepted my bat wings for some reason. But, my thighs really bothered me. My stomach hadn’t been flat since having three really big babies (my smallest was 8lb 2oz; my largest was 9lb 11oz). My tummy jiggled like jello. So, even though I was now thinner, I didn’t see myself as looking that good. And, yes, I know about body dysmorphia. It took me a bit to see the smaller me in the mirror. It’s ironic. All of those years I truly was overweight, I thought I looked good. When I did look so much better, I couldn’t see it.

I believe body positivity is a wonderful thing…for other people. When we vacationed on Hilton Head this summer, I saw all kinds of bodies on the beach. And, they were gorgeous! These people appeared self-confident and happy. I don’t know what personal struggles they might have been having because they exuded love of self as they walked from the beach into the ocean. It was really so refreshing to see all kinds of bodies represented and all kinds of people living their best lives!

For me , though, thinking my overweight body was beautiful gave me an ok to eat. The body positivity culture gave me permission to continue to eat until I became even more unhealthy and unhappy. Many people who are clinically overweight are healthy and happy. That was not me and is not me right now. I believe people should love themselves regardless of their weight. I do not love myself as I am right now. I know I am a beautiful person on the inside, but I don’t feel beautiful when I look in the mirror. And, when I say my pictures are carefully curated, I mean I delete each and every picture that shows a protruding stomach or a wide butt (a few do sneak in). I hate seeing these pictures. They make me sad and angry at the same time. I am the reason I keep hopping on the yoyo train. Each time I lose the weight, I promise myself it will be the last time. I know what works for me to lose weight and maintain the weight loss. I know I have to be constantly vigilant because those pounds do creep on. They’re like the lost socks in the laundry. We don’t know how it happens (OK, I do), but it just happens!

Why now?

You may be asking why I’m writing about such a personal and painful subject. The answer is accountability. I want to look back at this blog post in a few months and be able to celebrate having lost those pounds. I want to look at this blog post in a year and still be celebrating the loss of those pounds.

Yes, this is a little bit of a whiny post, a feel sorry for me kind of thing. But, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I’m sharing my story, one which was not particularly easy to write. I’m not sure when or why, but having a weight problem became a shameful thing to admit. Being overweight was and continues to be seen as laziness, ignorance, and being just plain gross. Perhaps, if we begin to talk about it, the stigma will lessen; people will go beyond the body positivity culture into a healthy body culture. Again, this is why I’m sharing my story. That’s truly all it is. I will win this battle because, honestly, most of my clothes for this winter don’t fit! And, I’m not buying new ones in a bigger size…I’m not! Also, with a family history of diabetes, I need to lose this weight in order to be a more healthy me.

The Lewk!

I usually wear this pinafore/jumper with a tee. I’d never thought to wear an actual blouse under it! Duh! This is a lovely April Cornell corduroy jumper from last year. April makes the best corduroy. It’s soft and has a wonderful drape. I love the embroidered accents at the neckline and at the pockets. One thing I’ve never mentioned. Most all of April’s dresses have button on belts. You can remove them or make them tighter. I really need to move mine higher up on the bodice of all of my dresses as the belts don’t hit at the right spot on me. The blouse is an old Dillon blouse from Banana Republic. I couldn’t button the bottom buttons because…well… I’m assuming you read the post! But, it doesn’t matter because you can’t see that part! The boots are from L’Artiste (I just ordered them in brown!) The earrings are old and from Banana Republic. I bought them to wear on a trip to the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island a few years ago. I ended up wearing something else and have never worn these earrings! I didn’t want to wear a necklace to overshadow the embroidery so the glitz and glam goes on the ears!

Wrap it up, Marsha!

Whoo! I really didn’t know where this was going to go when I started. To be honest (as opposed to lying to you), I hadn’t intended to spill my guts as much as I did! But, we need to have honest conversations like weight gain and loss. I understand body positivity as a concept, but in reality, it was very detrimental to my health. I hope I didn’t scare you off with this slightly darker post. I think weight loss (and gain) is a very personal yet somehow taboo subject in our culture. What do you think? Have you had your own personal struggles with weight? What do you think about the body positivity culture? Please leave me a comment or two. Let’s have a conversation. And, if you haven’t already subscribed, won’t you please consider doing so? And, if you’re interested in following me on Instagram, I’m over there, too. I just can’t figure out how to link it to my blog…such a newbie! Look for me as the_only_marsha_banks!

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