A little history…
Twenty-two years ago this year, my mom passed away. She’d been a smoker since the age of 15 or so. She quit a couple of times over the years, but that addiction is powerful. When she was 64, she was diagnosed with lung cancer and given a year to live. Prior to that, she had developed Chronic Pulmonary Obstructive Disease (COPD). I don’t think, at the time of her cancer diagnosis, she was on oxygen. Mom beat lung cancer, but pneumonia was always a risk for her. One year, she had a particularly bad case, and the doctor told us she was on the precipice. The next 24 hours were crucial. It was at that moment my mom told the doctor she wanted no heroic measures taken. After he left, I tried to reason with her, but she was adamant. The night she died, even though she had a DNR on file, the hospital called me because she’d been found not breathing by a respiratory therapist. I tried to contact my siblings to help me make the decision, but, ultimately, it was up to me as I was her medical POA. And, I made the gut wrenching decision to let her go, primarily, because they had no idea how long she hadn’t been breathing. Brain damage was always a possibility. I carry that burden to this day.
My mom…
My mom was one of those women who lived life as fully as she could. She was a widow at 42, remarried at 48 and divorced within the year. She never dated again. Mom was truly a force. From the time my kids were old enough for us to stand them going on vacation, we were off and running. Mom loved to travel, and my family, Nigel and the three kids (about two years between each of them) almost always went with her in the summer. Because I was teaching, she would take one or two of the kids on Spring Break and the others on Fall Break. Yes, I let my kids skip school to go with her because there is lots of learning to be done outside a school. Sometimes, my aunt or my grandma would go with her. It was nothing for her to drive to Las Vegas with just a kid with her and no GPS. My mother was frugal though she lacked for nothing. She had no credit score because she paid for everything, including cars, in cash. I knew I would inherit a tidy sum of money. I’m not sure if it was that knowledge combined with my guilt and grief that sent me on the road to immense credit card debt or not.
Retail therapy…
Many women laughingly use the words, retail therapy, when they shop. And, for many, that’s exactly what it is. Shopping gives you that little rush, right? There’s even scientific data to back this up. It can be as easy as buying a candy bar or as expensive as buying the latest pair of Christian Louboutin’s. How about these beauties? I surely do wish I could walk in those, but I think I’d end up breaking something and not just the bank! Oh, if I had longer legs and a place to go, these would be fun, right? But, then I’d need a completely new outfit for either of these. It’s a bit of a vicious cycle because I’d surely need a wonderful bag to go with the clothes and shoes not to mention jewelry. But, gosh, my dopamine levels would be sky high (as would my credit card bill)!
“It’s this simple anticipation of the eventual possibility of a reward or treat that releases dopamine — the hormone neurotransmitter in your brain that makes you feel good.
Dopamine increases your desire to continue to seek out things that make you feel good (hence retail therapy being a favorite go-to!)
‘Some think the dopamine is released when you actually get a reward or purchase an item, but it begins before you make a purchase as you’re delighting in all the possibilities,” he says. “It’s about the whole journey. (source)’”
More history…
I love clothes! I always have. I was lucky enough to have older female cousins who would pass those clothes down to me. I’ve even written about the times my mom would surprise me with new clothing on my blog. When I got married, I didn’t shop much because my husband is even more frugal than my mom was. I would get a couple of new things each season. Of course, back in the 70s, in the Midwest, trends weren’t constantly changing. Then, along came the kids, and I became a stay-at-home mom. Any extra money (hahaha) went toward home repairs and such.
Teaching…
Fast forward several years when I began teaching and needed an entirely different wardrobe than I’d had as a mom and a college student. If you shop at Macy’s, you may remember the house brand, Karen Scott. It seems to have been replaced by Style & Co. The quality of the line is probably a hair better than what you’d find at Target. Those are the clothes I bought when I first started teaching. Then, I discovered Talbots, J Jill, and Coldwater Creek. I began to cultivate a professional woman’s wardrobe. I also discovered April Cornell around that time and would add pieces from time to time. There was a store in Indianapolis, and my husband would treat me to a new dress or two for my birthday every year. It was a sad day for me when the store closed. I liked being the only person wearing a particular dress or skirt.
Shopping…
I had already found I could have items delivered to school without Nigel knowing about it. I usually got home before he did so I could sneak the grey bags into the house without him seeing me. My problem began about that time, I’d say. Nigel made significantly more money than I did even though I had the advanced degrees. We didn’t live life large, but we also didn’t do without. We both had pension plans and 401k (403b) plans. We were saving for retirement and putting three kids through college, usually with two at the same time. Here’s a little tip for those of you with young people about to enter college…don’t rule out private colleges. They usually have large endowments and give pretty decent scholarships. All three of mine went to private colleges with two of them paying less than state schools.
Mom and credit…
Yes, there’s a connection. When Mom died, my shopping ticked up higher and higher. At the time, I didn’t realize why I was shopping so much. That took me a number of years to figure out. It was nothing for me to have five to ten packages delivered to my school during a week. I would return a lot of it, but I also kept lots, too. When our oldest moved out, I just moved my clothes into the two large closets in his bedroom, and Nigel didn’t even notice because our shared walk-in closet wasn’t getting any fuller. I added Loft and Ann Taylor to my list of retailers as well as VonMaur which had (and still does) an interest free credit card. My stack of credit cards could be measured in inches. By this time, Nigel wasn’t actively involved in paying bills. He’d decided I was handling it well. Little did he know the amount of credit card debt I personally had. This incessant shopping continued for a couple of years. I had a clever little trick (I thought). I would put those grey plastic bags in my closet unopened for a week or two. If Nigel asked when I got such and such, I could honestly say, “Oh, those have been in my closet for ages.”
Money…
I was making the payments on all those cards, paying college fees, mortgage payments, all the adult stuff one does. But, I wasn’t paying off any of the credit cards when they were due. Some months, I did only make the minimum payment. I am pretty sure this was before the companies started putting the information on the bill showing how long it would take to pay off if you only made minimum payments. I never once defaulted on anything. Every parent loan we took out was in my name only because it was just easier, I told myself. I have absolutely no idea what my credit score was then.
A wakeup call…
Well, it wasn’t really. Finally, I realized I wasn’t making any progress on paying those cards down let alone off. I lean toward being a left-brain person, so I decided to create an Excel spreadsheet with all my credit card debt. Our computer was in the basement, and I snuck down there after everyone was asleep to work. When I was done, I sat there in absolute shock. I owed more than $16,000! That was almost three years’ worth of mortgage payments! So, of course, I set about paying them off and not shopping anymore, right? Wrong! I continued to shop, thinking this was something I could take care of in the near future, but not right now. Right now, I needed that dopamine fix that shopping could give me. I would take advantage of my credit cards offering 0% interest payment plans. The only problem was when the plan neared its end, I’d just transfer that balance to another credit card, paying an upfront fee of 3-5%. In my addicted mind, it made sense.
Finally…
Eventually, I realized this wasn’t sustainable. I came up with a plan. I went back to my spreadsheet, found the smallest amount due, and I worked on paying off that card. Then, I would move on to the next one. I continued this for several years until every one of those cards was paid off. I still shopped, but only if that card had a zero balance. And, I would pay it off when it came due. It was hard because addiction is hard. My mom, who had survived lung cancer, used oxygen 24/7, still smoked up until about three years before she died. Yes, addiction is difficult. Some need help conquering it. Luckily, my left brain became my therapist as I realized I’d been shopping to fill the hole Mom had left in my heart. And, that is ironic because my mom never cared about clothes. She was a beautiful woman, but she never used clothing like armor as I had. I convinced myself this one dress, that one cardigan, the cute little skirt…one of those things was going to fix the emptiness Mom’s death had left inside me. Of course, that realization came so many years later.
Today…
I continue to shop. I continue to carry no balances on my credit cards. Remember how I said you could measure my stack of cards in inches? I canceled almost all of them. I have a few in my name only so my credit score is based on that. And, I’m happy to report my credit score is higher than Nigel’s! I think that’s because of those student loan payments. Yes, I’m still paying them off. Three kids in college costs a lot of money (but far less than now). We also paid off the kids’ loans as their college graduation gifts. I ask myself, when I’m tempted to buy something, “Is this something you already have, or close to it? Do you have several different ways to wear it? Where will you wear it? Do you remember that $16,000 spreadsheet?” I have to admit that last question is what usually shuts me down!
Total transparency…
I wrote this a few years ago for an opportunity that never materialized. I finally decided to use it as a blog post. A couple of things have changed since I initially wrote it. One is our lack of travel. Nigel and I used to take really nice trips, but all that changed with his hip problems. Another is I’m now on Social Security so that’s another source of income. Nigel and I are pretty well set as long as nothing truly catastrophic happens. So, he tells me to buy the clothes. I’m more than happy to oblige him. When once upon a time, he’d raise an eyebrow at a package or two arriving, now, he just smiles. He knows I love clothes and is happy to see me happy. Am I still trying to fill that hole my mom’s death left? Yes, I am. There is no doubt in my mind that it’s there and will never be filled. But, I now know it’s there and was the reason for all that unbridled shopping. It may not seem like it when you read my blog, but I shop so much less than I did in those years right after Mom died. Again, I’m sure she’s shaking her head in disbelief that a daughter of hers would have so many clothes! But, then we always did disagree on lots of things! The one thing that hasn’t changed is I never carry a balance on a credit card. We charge everything because our debit cards kept getting hacked. So, yes, our credit cards have high balances all the time (have you seen the price of groceries and gas). The monthly bill, though, is always paid in full. And, I keep racking up awards on those cards so there’s that!
The outfit…
While some may think of this as a fall dress, I prefer to think of it as a transitional dress. This is the Madalena jersey dress from Gudrun Sjödén in the aubergine colorway. I also have it in the green/navy color. It’s one of those versatile dresses you can just throw on, add a slip, jewelry, and you’re out the door. As you can see, I did add a slip. I’m not sure of the color name. I have a few…cough, cough! I really do think these slips add the panache to what are really kinda ordinary dresses (unless you’re wearing one of the really colorful prints).
The Lewk!
Well, you can probably tell! Someone splurged on another pair of Leighton boots from Miz Mooz. I wasn’t sure about the green color as they seemed rather bright on the Nordstrom site. But, they’re actually a really lovely shade. I decided to follow Jodie’s recent advice about not bothering to match your shoes to your outfit. And, they aren’t the reds/greens one associates with Christmas so I’m more than happy to wear them with this dress. I thought this large gingko necklace on these burgundy beads from Michael Michaud was the perfect necklace. I added my Triple Leaf Gingko earrings because I do like my jewelry to match! I bought all of these from the museum gift shop.
Wrap it up, Marsha!
Well, that was probably so much more than you ever wanted to know. You’re probably asking yourself, “Why in the world would she share this?” My answer is two fold. When you suffer a great loss, talk to someone. I didn’t do that. I tend to be one of those stoic types. If I’d talked to someone, think of the money I would have saved (even with the cost of a therapist). The second is recognizing shopping can, indeed, be an addiction. And, the last is something Nigel’s older brother always says, “The only things worth going into debt for are a house and an education.” Please don’t read that as a condemnation of having credit card debt. I, so much more than most, understand that particular hell hole. So, can we talk? Have you experienced a large loss and responded in a way similar to what I did? How do you manage your credit cards, if you have them? Do you think my way of paying off my debt was a good one? Please leave me a comment or two, and we can talk. I promise to respond as quickly as I can.
Thank you!
Thank you so very much for reading today’s post. I hope you enjoyed it. I also very much appreciate those of you who comment, email and/or subscribe. It’s what keeps me going! If you’d like to follow me on Instagram, you can find me here.
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Linking up with Nancy’s Fashion Style, Fine-Whatever, Is This Mutton, Shelbee on the Edge, Chez Mireile, Suzy Turner, and Away from the Blue as well as Deb’s World. I also link up with I do deClaire, Mummabstylish, Style Splash and Elegantly Dressed and Stylish as well as the Senior Salon Pit Stop (Esme’s Salon) and Slices of Life. Please check out these wonderful ladies and their blogs! I also am a co-host for Ageless Style on the third Thursday of the month and Songful Style on the last Monday of the month as well as the Global Writing Challenge on the second Thursday. I co-host Traffic Jam Weekend every Thursday with Melynda, Lisa, Cat, and Rena. I also host Final Fridays on the last Friday of the month as well as 10 on the 10th on the 10th of the month! I do hope you’ll check out all of these blogs and link parties!