A little history…
Twenty-two years ago this year, my mom passed away. She’d been a smoker since the age of 15 or so. She quit a couple of times over the years, but that addiction is powerful. When she was 64, she was diagnosed with lung cancer and given a year to live. Prior to that, she had developed Chronic Pulmonary Obstructive Disease (COPD). I don’t think, at the time of her cancer diagnosis, she was on oxygen. Mom beat lung cancer, but pneumonia was always a risk for her. One year, she had a particularly bad case, and the doctor told us she was on the precipice. The next 24 hours were crucial. It was at that moment my mom told the doctor she wanted no heroic measures taken. After he left, I tried to reason with her, but she was adamant. The night she died, even though she had a DNR on file, the hospital called me because she’d been found not breathing by a respiratory therapist. I tried to contact my siblings to help me make the decision, but, ultimately, it was up to me as I was her medical POA. And, I made the gut wrenching decision to let her go, primarily, because they had no idea how long she hadn’t been breathing. Brain damage was always a possibility. I carry that burden to this day.
My mom…
My mom was one of those women who lived life as fully as she could. She was a widow at 42, remarried at 48 and divorced within the year. She never dated again. Mom was truly a force. From the time my kids were old enough for us to stand them going on vacation, we were off and running. Mom loved to travel, and my family, Nigel and the three kids (about two years between each of them) almost always went with her in the summer. Because I was teaching, she would take one or two of the kids on Spring Break and the others on Fall Break. Yes, I let my kids skip school to go with her because there is lots of learning to be done outside a school. Sometimes, my aunt or my grandma would go with her. It was nothing for her to drive to Las Vegas with just a kid with her and no GPS. My mother was frugal though she lacked for nothing. She had no credit score because she paid for everything, including cars, in cash. I knew I would inherit a tidy sum of money. I’m not sure if it was that knowledge combined with my guilt and grief that sent me on the road to immense credit card debt or not.
Retail therapy…
Many women laughingly use the words, retail therapy, when they shop. And, for many, that’s exactly what it is. Shopping gives you that little rush, right? There’s even scientific data to back this up. It can be as easy as buying a candy bar or as expensive as buying the latest pair of Christian Louboutin’s. How about these beauties? I surely do wish I could walk in those, but I think I’d end up breaking something and not just the bank! Oh, if I had longer legs and a place to go, these would be fun, right? But, then I’d need a completely new outfit for either of these. It’s a bit of a vicious cycle because I’d surely need a wonderful bag to go with the clothes and shoes not to mention jewelry. But, gosh, my dopamine levels would be sky high (as would my credit card bill)!
“It’s this simple anticipation of the eventual possibility of a reward or treat that releases dopamine — the hormone neurotransmitter in your brain that makes you feel good.
Dopamine increases your desire to continue to seek out things that make you feel good (hence retail therapy being a favorite go-to!)
‘Some think the dopamine is released when you actually get a reward or purchase an item, but it begins before you make a purchase as you’re delighting in all the possibilities,” he says. “It’s about the whole journey. (source)’”
More history…
I love clothes! I always have. I was lucky enough to have older female cousins who would pass those clothes down to me. I’ve even written about the times my mom would surprise me with new clothing on my blog. When I got married, I didn’t shop much because my husband is even more frugal than my mom was. I would get a couple of new things each season. Of course, back in the 70s, in the Midwest, trends weren’t constantly changing. Then, along came the kids, and I became a stay-at-home mom. Any extra money (hahaha) went toward home repairs and such.
Teaching…
Fast forward several years when I began teaching and needed an entirely different wardrobe than I’d had as a mom and a college student. If you shop at Macy’s, you may remember the house brand, Karen Scott. It seems to have been replaced by Style & Co. The quality of the line is probably a hair better than what you’d find at Target. Those are the clothes I bought when I first started teaching. Then, I discovered Talbots, J Jill, and Coldwater Creek. I began to cultivate a professional woman’s wardrobe. I also discovered April Cornell around that time and would add pieces from time to time. There was a store in Indianapolis, and my husband would treat me to a new dress or two for my birthday every year. It was a sad day for me when the store closed. I liked being the only person wearing a particular dress or skirt.
Shopping…
I had already found I could have items delivered to school without Nigel knowing about it. I usually got home before he did so I could sneak the grey bags into the house without him seeing me. My problem began about that time, I’d say. Nigel made significantly more money than I did even though I had the advanced degrees. We didn’t live life large, but we also didn’t do without. We both had pension plans and 401k (403b) plans. We were saving for retirement and putting three kids through college, usually with two at the same time. Here’s a little tip for those of you with young people about to enter college…don’t rule out private colleges. They usually have large endowments and give pretty decent scholarships. All three of mine went to private colleges with two of them paying less than state schools.
Mom and credit…
Yes, there’s a connection. When Mom died, my shopping ticked up higher and higher. At the time, I didn’t realize why I was shopping so much. That took me a number of years to figure out. It was nothing for me to have five to ten packages delivered to my school during a week. I would return a lot of it, but I also kept lots, too. When our oldest moved out, I just moved my clothes into the two large closets in his bedroom, and Nigel didn’t even notice because our shared walk-in closet wasn’t getting any fuller. I added Loft and Ann Taylor to my list of retailers as well as VonMaur which had (and still does) an interest free credit card. My stack of credit cards could be measured in inches. By this time, Nigel wasn’t actively involved in paying bills. He’d decided I was handling it well. Little did he know the amount of credit card debt I personally had. This incessant shopping continued for a couple of years. I had a clever little trick (I thought). I would put those grey plastic bags in my closet unopened for a week or two. If Nigel asked when I got such and such, I could honestly say, “Oh, those have been in my closet for ages.”
Money…
I was making the payments on all those cards, paying college fees, mortgage payments, all the adult stuff one does. But, I wasn’t paying off any of the credit cards when they were due. Some months, I did only make the minimum payment. I am pretty sure this was before the companies started putting the information on the bill showing how long it would take to pay off if you only made minimum payments. I never once defaulted on anything. Every parent loan we took out was in my name only because it was just easier, I told myself. I have absolutely no idea what my credit score was then.
A wakeup call…
Well, it wasn’t really. Finally, I realized I wasn’t making any progress on paying those cards down let alone off. I lean toward being a left-brain person, so I decided to create an Excel spreadsheet with all my credit card debt. Our computer was in the basement, and I snuck down there after everyone was asleep to work. When I was done, I sat there in absolute shock. I owed more than $16,000! That was almost three years’ worth of mortgage payments! So, of course, I set about paying them off and not shopping anymore, right? Wrong! I continued to shop, thinking this was something I could take care of in the near future, but not right now. Right now, I needed that dopamine fix that shopping could give me. I would take advantage of my credit cards offering 0% interest payment plans. The only problem was when the plan neared its end, I’d just transfer that balance to another credit card, paying an upfront fee of 3-5%. In my addicted mind, it made sense.
Finally…
Eventually, I realized this wasn’t sustainable. I came up with a plan. I went back to my spreadsheet, found the smallest amount due, and I worked on paying off that card. Then, I would move on to the next one. I continued this for several years until every one of those cards was paid off. I still shopped, but only if that card had a zero balance. And, I would pay it off when it came due. It was hard because addiction is hard. My mom, who had survived lung cancer, used oxygen 24/7, still smoked up until about three years before she died. Yes, addiction is difficult. Some need help conquering it. Luckily, my left brain became my therapist as I realized I’d been shopping to fill the hole Mom had left in my heart. And, that is ironic because my mom never cared about clothes. She was a beautiful woman, but she never used clothing like armor as I had. I convinced myself this one dress, that one cardigan, the cute little skirt…one of those things was going to fix the emptiness Mom’s death had left inside me. Of course, that realization came so many years later.
Today…
I continue to shop. I continue to carry no balances on my credit cards. Remember how I said you could measure my stack of cards in inches? I canceled almost all of them. I have a few in my name only so my credit score is based on that. And, I’m happy to report my credit score is higher than Nigel’s! I think that’s because of those student loan payments. Yes, I’m still paying them off. Three kids in college costs a lot of money (but far less than now). We also paid off the kids’ loans as their college graduation gifts. I ask myself, when I’m tempted to buy something, “Is this something you already have, or close to it? Do you have several different ways to wear it? Where will you wear it? Do you remember that $16,000 spreadsheet?” I have to admit that last question is what usually shuts me down!
Total transparency…
I wrote this a few years ago for an opportunity that never materialized. I finally decided to use it as a blog post. A couple of things have changed since I initially wrote it. One is our lack of travel. Nigel and I used to take really nice trips, but all that changed with his hip problems. Another is I’m now on Social Security so that’s another source of income. Nigel and I are pretty well set as long as nothing truly catastrophic happens. So, he tells me to buy the clothes. I’m more than happy to oblige him. When once upon a time, he’d raise an eyebrow at a package or two arriving, now, he just smiles. He knows I love clothes and is happy to see me happy. Am I still trying to fill that hole my mom’s death left? Yes, I am. There is no doubt in my mind that it’s there and will never be filled. But, I now know it’s there and was the reason for all that unbridled shopping. It may not seem like it when you read my blog, but I shop so much less than I did in those years right after Mom died. Again, I’m sure she’s shaking her head in disbelief that a daughter of hers would have so many clothes! But, then we always did disagree on lots of things! The one thing that hasn’t changed is I never carry a balance on a credit card. We charge everything because our debit cards kept getting hacked. So, yes, our credit cards have high balances all the time (have you seen the price of groceries and gas). The monthly bill, though, is always paid in full. And, I keep racking up awards on those cards so there’s that!
The outfit…
While some may think of this as a fall dress, I prefer to think of it as a transitional dress. This is the Madalena jersey dress from Gudrun Sjödén in the aubergine colorway. I also have it in the green/navy color. It’s one of those versatile dresses you can just throw on, add a slip, jewelry, and you’re out the door. As you can see, I did add a slip. I’m not sure of the color name. I have a few…cough, cough! I really do think these slips add the panache to what are really kinda ordinary dresses (unless you’re wearing one of the really colorful prints).
The Lewk!
Well, you can probably tell! Someone splurged on another pair of Leighton boots from Miz Mooz. I wasn’t sure about the green color as they seemed rather bright on the Nordstrom site. But, they’re actually a really lovely shade. I decided to follow Jodie’s recent advice about not bothering to match your shoes to your outfit. And, they aren’t the reds/greens one associates with Christmas so I’m more than happy to wear them with this dress. I thought this large gingko necklace on these burgundy beads from Michael Michaud was the perfect necklace. I added my Triple Leaf Gingko earrings because I do like my jewelry to match! I bought all of these from the museum gift shop.
Wrap it up, Marsha!
Well, that was probably so much more than you ever wanted to know. You’re probably asking yourself, “Why in the world would she share this?” My answer is two fold. When you suffer a great loss, talk to someone. I didn’t do that. I tend to be one of those stoic types. If I’d talked to someone, think of the money I would have saved (even with the cost of a therapist). The second is recognizing shopping can, indeed, be an addiction. And, the last is something Nigel’s older brother always says, “The only things worth going into debt for are a house and an education.” Please don’t read that as a condemnation of having credit card debt. I, so much more than most, understand that particular hell hole. So, can we talk? Have you experienced a large loss and responded in a way similar to what I did? How do you manage your credit cards, if you have them? Do you think my way of paying off my debt was a good one? Please leave me a comment or two, and we can talk. I promise to respond as quickly as I can.
Thank you!
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Firstly , your outfit looks so good on you , those plum tones really are your colours.
I am sorry to hear you lost your mother at the age of 64 , so young, and know from my own experience just how hard it is.
I also fully understand the shopping addiction as a way to ease your pain , that feeling of having something new works for a while until you realise that it changes nothing.
These days I buy very little as to be honest I really don’t need anything but now I only buy what I love and will wear for many years.
Thank you so much, Jill! Mom was actually 72 when she died, but she had developed COPD by about 64. She was definitely way too young. I’m so sorry you lost your mother at a young age, too. That’s exactly right…it does work for a bit until you realize nothing changed so you’re on to the next thing. Well, your wardrobe, so carefully curated, is amazing! I love what you buy and how stylishly chic you are!
I love the colour of your dress Marsha.
I can understand the shopping addiction as a form of grief therapy, but I am pleased that you worked through it to find some control.
My mum is frugal too, perhaps a result of growing up in post war Britain. she still grows all her own fruit and veg and cooks all her own food. I rebelled once I began earning my own wages, but her lessons are deeply instilled into my life.
Thanks so much, Rosie! It’s a very strange color in that it’s not quite burgundy and not quite plum. But, I like it. I think part of my shopping was a revolt against not having money when I was a kid. My parents didn’t give us allowances (you may call it pocket money) so we never really learned how to use money. It’s funny because I remember working in my grandma’s gigantic garden and being in the kitchen when they (my aunts, my mom, and my grandma) would can green beans, tomatoes, and freeze corn. So, I definitely grew up around it, but, again, no one taught me how to do that. I think it may have been because my mom began working when I was about ten. She was just too tired to do it, and the garden was at my grandma’s. That garden fed four families, and Grandma still had rows and rows of beautiful and varied flowers.
Marsha, I can relate to all of this! The shopping addiction is real and it truly does fill a void when we are grieving. I remembered when Jeff was deployed and I was home with two very young children. I tried really hard to fill the void by buying myself lots of clothes and my children lots of toys. I have since broken that cycle but I do still love to shop and use my credit cards when I shouldn’t! Fortunately I only have a few credit cards and they do not measure in inches! I love this fun striped dress over that lovely slip and your new green boots are gorgeous. What a fabulous color! Thank you for sharing this post. It really did resonate with me and I see even more parallels between me and you!
Shelbee
Thank you, Shelbee! That would be so difficult. My son-in-law was in the Navy and was deployed twice after they were married and before he got out. One of those times, they lived with us. When you’re the only adult, it’s hard to say no, right? I’m glad you have broken the cycle and have such fun finding beautiful bargains. I was a little hesitant to get the green boots but realized I had so much they would work with. Yes, we definitely have many parallels, my friend!
Oh Marsha – you lost your mother far too soon. She was young. And that decision you made? You have to remember she had made that decision herself. It was very much the right answer. The heroic efforts to keep someone alive, don’t actually work, (says a nurse from the last century – I know things have changed) but you had to let her go.
And that addiction – yup I have it. And I’ve tried to loosen its grip. The thing is I do not have a credit card – at all. Not one. So that really works. I can only spend a small amount. Hence the charity shop shopping which I have returned to as I did try to buy one good item per month. Marsha I got so bored with that!!!!
Looking lovely as usual – it’s always the boots and other accessories that do it for me. I adore those green boots.
Thank you, Penny! I know, in my head, I made the right decision. But, my heart keeps reminding me she could have a couple more years if only… And, since they had no idea how long she’d been gone and without oxygen, there was no telling what kind of situation she’d be in. She would have absolutely hated being a burden to anyone. So, in the long run, I know it was the right thing to do. I just wish the hospital had never called.
I do wish we had charity shops here. I remember popping into a couple in Ireland. They are so much better than the thrift stores near me. There you find what no one wanted, and you leave feeling like you need a shower. You manage your addiction very well. I think you love the thrill of the chase, and the quality items weren’t thrilling enough.
I know these boots were a splurge, but I will have them for years, decades if I’m lucky enough!
I’m very sorry for your loss. Some holes just don’t go away no matter how hard we try to fill them and no matter what we try to fill them with.
My own way of doing that hasn’t been shopping. I grew up in a big family with very little money. We didn’t get pocket money – it just wasn’t there – so I started tutoring very early to earn some money for when I wanted something special. That taught me to be able to save, but it also woke the urge to spend money when I started working because I finally could. The ex had experienced something similar, so when we started collecting, we were off the leash for a while, but since we did it together, one would always put their foot down eventually. To this day I say “black bread and water” after spending big money (like on my furnace last year) because we always tried to save on food if we bought something big for the collection.
I only have one credit card – we needed it for travelling – and hardly use it. I keep an expense file to make sure I stay within my income, I need that low key organization to keep on track.
I’m proud of you for overcoming your problem, that can’t have been easy at all (as the lady with the chocolate problem can tell you), also not to talk about it so openly. Sending you some virtual hugs.
Last but not least, I like your outfit. Once again the slip is perfect with it as are the boots.
Thank you, Cat! You are so right about those holes. You know, I never had pocket money, either. I wonder if that was part of it. I really had had no training in how to use money. When we were first married and working, we banked all of my check and lived off Mike’s. We were able to save quite a bit, and then we moved to a bigger house when we started a family. That ate up lots of that money. We never had big vacations or fancy cars. We still drive older cars and never fancy (except for the two Saabs I had and loved). I think my experience was a lot like yours when you and the ex started collecting. The money was there so you used it…until it was too much. I like that saying…I might have to come up with one of my own. I do still have several cards, but they all have special perks with them. But, no balances are important to me. It wasn’t easy to overcome, but by concentrating on one bill at a time, the immensity lessened, and I was able to finally do it. I was a little nervous to publish this post, though.
I’m glad you like the outfit and the boots!
Thanks for sharing this, Marsha. I can imagine how you felt making that decision about your mom but you have to know you did the right thing for her. My nephews were recently put in that same position with their mom and it was very difficult.
As a college student I had credit cards and only ever made the minimum payment until I met my husband. Right away he took those off my hands, paid them off and made sure I understood that there would be no balances on credit cards moving forward. That was a big learning experience for me. It’s also why I have always had a side hustle, I like having my own extra money to do with what I please.
The dopamine hit we get when we shop is real! I have recently started to feel even better when I don’t buy anything. Which is crazy for me but it’s true. I realized all the clutter gave me anxiety and I prefer less. I’ll never be a minimalist but I feel good about how I shop and the decisions I make now.
I really enjoyed this post!
xo,
Kellyann
Thank you, Kellyann! I admit to feeling a little anxious when I hit the publish button. I wasn’t sure how readers would take the post as it’s a rather silly thing to do. You have a very smart husband. My problem didn’t occur until after Mike handed the finances over to me which kinda gave me full rein! Right now, we are set financially unless one of us would have to go into a nursing home. All those years of saving were worth it though we’re not really able to enjoy the income as we had planned…yet! Oh, I hope you read the article I referenced. It talked about how window shopping could deliver that dopamine rush. I really need to go through my closet and knuckle down about some of my clothes. There are things I will never wear again, but I keep hanging on to them. I have gotten rid of lots of things, but there’s still plenty left!
I’m so sorry your nephews had to deal with this kind of situation. Luckily, Mom had made her feelings very well known to me. Even though she had a DNR on file with the hospital, they still called. I’m sure it was protocol. I know, in my mind, I did the right thing. It’s my heart that keeps up with the what ifs!
I could have been a shoe collector, but honestly my foot size is rarely available with exception to a style that would remind you of a combat boot! But I do LOVE those green boots!
Thanks, Melynda! Aren’t they the best? I know they are expensive, but they will last me for years. I do love shoes and my closet shows that!
Luckily I met my husband when I was very young and as soon as I got my first credit card (and only made the minimum payments since that’s what I was taught to do!) he intervened and explained how quickly that interest would add up. Being an extremely frugal person (then; not so much now) I immediately started paying off my card each month. In fact I can remember calling the 1-800 #’s on the back of the cards twice a month and writing down the balance on a sticky note that I attached to each card just so I could keep track of my spending and anytime the amount went over my own set limit I’d put that card away and not use it until the bill came in and I could pay it off. But I can easily see how shopping could become an addiction. I definitely get a thrill when I find a fabulous item that fits great and even more so if it’s on sale (doesn’t even really matter the sale amount!). Mostly I try to stay out of stores but it’s harder with online shopping and with blogging– heck I bought 2 new shirts online this morning!
Thanks, Joanne! You are so smart…calling the company to check your balance before using it! I’m trying to think if, back in those days, they had those numbers. I did stop carrying my cards around but soon learned they could easily look up my account. I like to think I’ve beaten my addiction, but most people say, “Once an addict, always an addict.” Oh, my goodness! I do most of my shopping online, but I also go into stores occasionally with absolutely no intention of buying anything. And, I’m sure you know how that story ends!
Marsha, I am so struck by your openness and for sharing such a deeply personal story. I, too, learned about credit card debt the hard way, so I can totally relate. I am so very sorry you had to carry that guilt around concerning your mother. You followed her wishes and did the very best you could. What a brave woman you are! Your outfit today is lovely and it really shows off your amazing sense of style! Thank you for your post today!
Thank you, Beth! I will admit it took a lot to hit that publish button. I was afraid of my readers’ reactions, but almost everyone has been able to relate. Credit card companies are so smart, aren’t they? While it was tough hearing my mom say she didn’t want any heroic measures, I’m glad we had that conversation because it did help in making the decision. But, I still second guess myself and probably always will. Thank you again for your lovely compliments…I don’t know that I’m brave or just too much into oversharing! I’m so glad you liked the dress and slip! I just love clothes, what can I say!
I can relate to this. I used to shop to fill a void and racked up a lot of debt in the process. I worked hard to pay off the balances and now I’m more mindful about what I buy and I definitely buy less. Loved this post and also loving your dress!
Jill – Doused in Pink
Thank you, Jill! I am so surprised by the number of people saying they did the same thing as I did. I did think shopping would fill a void, but it just made for a bigger problem. I’m glad you paid off your balances and are more careful about what you buy! It would be hard since you look fabulous in everything!
I got my first credit card in college and racked up a balance too. It took years to pay it off and I’m like you…that dopamine from shopping is addictive
Xoxo
Jodie
Thanks, Jodie! The article I referenced said sometimes just the anticipation of shopping would give you enough of a dopamine hit! I’m glad you were able to pay that debt off, too, because I’m sure dentistry school cost a pretty penny! I love shopping and always will. Now, I just pay those bills off as soon as they come!
Wow, Marilyn, that is quite a story, and an important one to share. Thanks for being honestly transparent. By coincidence, I have been thinking about doing a blog post about smoking. It seems like no one talks about it now. Not RFK, nor Dr. Oz, or the Surgeon General nominee. So many of the health and wellness “influencers” talk about what we should and shouldn’t eat, and all kinds of supplements we probably don’t need, but not about the millions of people who are still addicted to tobacco. Now I’m the one who is oversharing. Thanks for being you and writing about stuff that matters.
Thank you, Aletha! I had this nice little post written several years ago, and I decided to just go for it. I was a bit scared to hit publish, thinking my readers would think I was a real failure. You know, you’re right. I haven’t heard much about smoking lately. I have seen a tiny uptick in the amount of smoking on movies and such. I always told my students, if they remembered only two things when they left me at the end of the year, it was to vote when they were eligible and to never ever smoke. I’m afraid a lot of them forgot both. I think our health department is in real trouble with those people heading it up. Just look at the cases of measles! It’s a shame. But, I do think a post on the dangers of smoking would be a wonderful idea. I would be sure to share it! It’s one of those things that has dramatically affected my life. My dad died at 45 from heart disease brought on by stress and smoking (most likely), and Mom died at 72 from congestive heart failure caused by smoking. I always told my students the first cigarette they had may be the one that addicted them. I could go on and on about the evils of smoking, but I’ll stop there as I know I’m preaching to the choir.
Thank you for being so transparent with your story, Marsha! I’m sure there are many who will benefit from your words. When my dad died, I remember my mom going into multiple shopping spress and while she could afford it, the clutter it added to her life – physically and emotionally – took a toll. I, too, lost my mom to lung cancer. She passed less than two weeks after her diagnosis. I think she always thought she’d pass from lung cancer. She’d smoked for many years but stopped when her first grandchild was born. She’d been smoke free for 20+ years but sadly, the disease took her. Sending hugs and thanks for sharing your story with us all!
Thank you, Laura! It took a lot to hit that publish button, but I am nothing if not an open book (and a long one at that)! My mom just kinda disappeared for a couple of years. She went to work as a short order cook for a friend of hers. This was after working her regular job. She just couldn’t be in our house without Dad there. I was the de facto Mom. Oh, Laura! That is hard. Two weeks is not long enough to prepare to say goodbye. Mom was so lucky to have about six or seven years after beating cancer. Hugs to you for losing your mom and dad, too. It’s hard being the oldest generation, isn’t it? Or, maybe it’s just weird?
Your mother sounds like she was a force to be reckoned with. So sorry that you had to make that difficult decision. I was in a similar situation like you with credit card debt. Good for you for paying it down. What an accomplishment! Love this gorgeous look on you!
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
Thanks, Kathrine! That’s exactly what my mom was like! She and I argued constantly, but we understood each other perfectly. I knew Mom’s wants because of her health scare a few years before. Even with the DNR, the hospital still called me. I guess that’s protocol. I worked hard at paying off that debt and have been debt free (except for those doggone college loans) for several years now. It’s so freeing! I’m glad you liked the look!
What a burden you had to bare in making that decision for your mother. Very hard, I can’t even imagine it.
I use shopping therapy a lot! But I never use my credit card.
Happy Easter weekend Marsha!
Happy Easter weekend to you, too, Nancy! It was very hard, but Mom and I had had that discussion so many years before so I knew her wants. But, I still wonder, if I had just brought her home to my house, if she would have fought harder. I think it would probably have only put off the inevitable for a little bit. She was going downhill in many ways by then. But, I think you and she would have been good friends! She was feisty…just like you! We always use credit cards as we carry so little cash. If I have cash, I spend it! With a credit card, I think a little harder before using it!
A brave post to write Marsha.
It’s difficult being a POA re health and making the right decision, I’ve also been there and still think about it even though I think I made to right decision..
I don’t carry a credit card and tend to shop in charity shops and I do love a bargain.
I do think that there are many forms of addiction- shopping included. Good for you paying them all off, not an easy task I think.
Love the outfit Marsha, the colour looks good on you.
Thank you so much, Linda! You have no idea how nervous I was to push publish. I just kept thinking my readers would think I was just plain silly and shallow. I mean I can be both of those things, but I’m actually rather intelligent and intentional. But, Mom’s death hit me hard, partly because I will always feel (even though it’s not logical) that I was responsible. My head knows I made the decision she would have wanted, but my heart keeps questioning me. I use credit cards only because cash moves out of my hands way too easily! I wish we had charity shops like you do. Our thrift shops are not that good where I live. Believe me, though, I will never rack up credit card debt again. And, I’ve managed to get a handle on the shopping addiction. I really enjoy this dress and have worn it with a different color slip.
Firstly I’m sorry for your loss, and I want to say, with medical issues you can never ‘if only’ or use hindsight because whatever choice you make, you never know with certainty what the alternative would have done – it might have been worse or more painful or anything. So you have to remember you made the best choice you could with the information you had at the time. Never feel bad about it. You were thinking of her best interests.
Why this is a really important post is because you raise an important things about grief. It manifests in really strange ways. When Dad died, I didn’t drink for about 6 weeks because I was scared of what I might unleash if I got drunk. The first time I went to a party and was going to have a few drinks, I told my freind that if I got teary or even vaguely morose, she was to cut me off and remind me I wasn’t allowed to argue about it. I was fine. I had, however, been going out to the theatre and seeing bands (and dancing and getting lost in music) always with the pre-emptive ‘if I have to leave, just let me go and I’ll text you when I get home safely’. The dancing really helped me a lot. I later listened to a grief counsellor explain how some people process grief thru movement, That was def me. I do realise now that I was pretty manic for quite some time, going to a LOT of gigs. So like you, I try to dial it back to be more responsible with money.
So it’s an important share about why you did it, and how the costs racked up with out you realising. We humans are very complicated, and half the time we do things for completely different reasons than even we realise.
For any Australians, there is a free service that will help you get out of Credit card Debt. I forget what it’s called, But you should be able to google it.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, Lydia! I do know, in my head, I made the right decision for Mom. The chances were very high she would have had some form of brain damage, and she would have hated that. The last thing she ever wanted was to have to live in a nursing home. But, in my heart, I keep thinking, “If I hadn’t told her I’d made those arrangements for the nursing home, and she was coming home with me for a couple of weeks til she was ready, she would have hung on a little longer. The reality was she was tired, tired of the oxygen, tired of the constant threat of pneumonia, and tired of being alone. I think she was ready to go and decided it was time. That was my mom…she decided something, and she did it.
How interesting to think about how we process grief. I think we get caught up in Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ seven stages of grief that we forget about the how and not just the what. Thank you again for this response. It’s really meant a lot to me.
Such an insightful post! I love how you explained that connection between shopping and dopamine—it really puts “retail therapy” into perspective. It’s such a relatable reminder to be mindful while still enjoying the fun of it.
Thank you, Laura! I was so surprised by the research behind the term as well as my personal experience. I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
Oh Marsha, I applaud you for your honesty and sharing something many others also go through, in some form. You are to be congratulated on overcoming the credit card debt and making changes to ensure it didn’t happen again. Well done.
I think online shopping is very easy to get caught up in and as I don’t live near too many shops it is so convenient for many of us.
I also love those boots…
Thank you, Debbie! It was a little nerve-wracking to press publish on that one. I figured I share most everything else here so maybe my experience might help someone else not get into that much debt, learn how to deal with their grief, or pay down their debt. Any of those things could help. I’m about 45 minutes from a really good mall so I do a lot of online shopping, but not any more than I can pay for!
What a wonderful heart felt post. I feel for you carrying the heavy burden of having to make that decision. Thanks for sharing your experience of how grief heightened your desire to buy clothes, and the measures you’ve taken to keep your spend in check. Visit the blog tomorrow, you’re a featured favourite.
Thank you, Gail! I was just lucky that Mom and I had had a conversation about it years earlier. I knew what she didn’t want which was being intubated. And, the fact no one knew how long she’d been without oxygen helped me to make the decision. But, there are and always will be the what ifs. Thank you so much for featuring my post. I hope it helps others. I was so shocked when I saw that total, but I worked really hard to pay those cards off and get rid of them.
I can relate to so much in this post Marsha. When my mum was in hospital for the last time, she was insisiting she didn’t want DNR on her file. The doctor explained to me over the phone while I was in Cape Verde (before my dash to get home in time) that it was not in her interests to do CPR because it would do her more harm than good. She was so frail, and broken ribs would have probably finished her off. They said that even though it was her wish, they wouldn’t try to bring her back, and as that was a medical decision we had no say in it. Still, we agreed on ethical grounds that my brother wouldn’t sign the form. I still have tremendous guilt about going abroad, but I’ve also realised that when a parent dies, there is always guilt about something – not being more patient, not doing enough – it’s a natural thing to feel I think. I’m trying to make peace with it, but it’s a process.
I’ve also used retail therapy far too much for most of my adult life; it’s more under control now because I’m coming to appreciate having a tidy house as much, if not more that, new clothes…much to the delight of Pete!
Emma xxx
http://www.style-splash.com
Thank you, Emma! Oh, my gosh, I didn’t realize you were on holiday when you received this news. That would have been so stressful. I think you are exactly right about that guilt. WE always feel we should have done more. But, in reality, there was nothing either of us could have done. Your mother, I’m sure from all you’ve written about her would have wanted you to go. Grief is a process, and I’m still in it…20 years on. I think the old quote from Winnie the Pooh is so true, though. Here it is: How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. I was so in the midst of grieving and addiction that more shopping just made sense at the time. I’m glad to have gotten that under control. Of course, at this stage of the game, we also have much more disposable income…no kids at home, home paid off, etc.